12:36 a.m. - 2004-08-27
Most of the time we plan our funerals instead of weddings, because we're so used to being told we have no futures
Dear friend,
I walked down that dirt road today and I held my white flag high. I passed the mailman and the truck driver and the gas station attendant. I watched them and smiled and when I saw that poor little girl who was crying; I smiled at her and she finally smiled back. I helped a woman in need of it and she repaid me with a "thanks" and walked away and every time I held open those doors to those artificially cooled rooms, that are blocked as high as possible just to make room for others just like it, I expected no reward or recognition for what I had done. I saw all of these people today and they were alive and moving and breathing and not many of them were happy, but few of them were openly sad and I think that's how it is a lot of the time and I thought about you. I thought about you and how I don't know who you are and I thought about what you might have in common with these strangers I passed on my walk today. I stood on the sidewalk and I looked around and I smelled the sweet scented air of summer that requires me to take one little pink pill a day in order to smell this without sneezing and an attack of watering eyes. In our world of artificial flavoring and conditioned air and animal tested lip gloss we're all just highly medicated people who are looking for a reason not to set ourselves free and let go of all our expectations. We're all just looking for a way to stay comfortably cold and brainfreeze doesn't give off enough fumes.
If you want your dreams to come true, you have to stay awake long enough- or so says me, the insomniac. I could name the flaws of society and I could dump my tea into a different ocean, but it just so happens that I'd rather not be tarred and feathered. Let the good times roll because my film only goes so long before I remember to turn on the camera. What do you have in common with the girl I pass on my way to the store each day and why don't we all realize that we might have a common bond between us? What makes you feel so alone? What makes you think you're so different and misunderstood?
I feel no need to be interesting and if I'm going to have fun it will be because I want to, not because you're craving a good time. That's what the strip joints are for, sweetheart and anything you'll ever want, they'll charge you for, guaranteed. Why do you feel the need for excitement? Why are people boring? Why isn't boring a good thing? Why does no one ever take for granted a simple life. Trust me. If your whole life was falling apart, then you'd be craving a day of boredom.
It's almost funny how you'll read this and wonder: "Is she talking about me? Who's it about?" and it's almost funny how the answer is always yes, because if you're reading this then you're human...or an incredibly talented breed of animal, but in any case- you are most likely guilty of the above stated. It doesn't really matter much. It's not worth getting upset about. It's a slight annoyance and pain caused in the head, but that's more from not sleeping then it is from trying to reason with you.
Who are you, anyways? What makes you want to care? What makes you able to hurt and help and love and hate and live? What makes you the one everyone runs to with their problems?
I could sleep forever if it wasn't impossible to even keep my eyes closed for a minute and right now earthquakes wouldn't wake me from my insomniac-esque trance. Earthquakes wouldn't wake me, do you think your cry for help will?
New theory: don't think, just feel. Thinking everything through gets you no where but locked in your room with blaring music and a splitting headache. Try this idea out: no one cares and no one ever will. Like it? Try this one too: You have to save yourself. I know this is easier said then done, but when you're sitting there thinking about all the stuff that doesn't matter and writing yourself a nice little poem that might someday be a tragic love song, sometimes it's nice to know that when it comes down to it your fighting wars for peace and freedom.
You think I'm angry at you? I never could be because right now I'm so enlightened and so right now and so forever that you're the farthest thing from my mind. Not really. Don't worry. I'm still trying to figure out what you might have in common with that lady walking all those dogs that I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk today. I had memorized all the dogs names, but then I replaced each name with a reason I shouldn't care what their names were and now I haven't a clue. It's funny how you think that life is so hard and that you have to make it worthwhile. You think your life is boring? Try being dead. I bet you'll be howling with excitement then.
Here's an idea because I'm just full of them tonight. Take your last happy pill with the last gulp of milk left and spend your last dollar on a postage stamp so you can finally send that letter that you've been writing in response to me and then sit outside and watch all those stars all alone and hold your own hand because no one else can right now and you're far too beautiful to not be in the picture. Drink your soda that you swear you'd be dead without and see how long before your cancer and consciousness intertwine. How do you like artificial flavoring? I hope you choke on your own cigarette smoke and try to clear it up with a nice case of flavored water that's sold for double the price.
The world's a comedy when you're a cynic, but it sure beats being beaten. Follow the yellow brick road because when you run away home, you need to be blinded by color or else you'll finally get a clue. If you're looking for the hyperactice, acute sensed, insomniac freak who wanted to teach you a lesson then take a right at the end of your street, get on the bus, and get off at tomorrow because I'm always a day ahead of you and if you ever do find me, I bet you'll be surprised because by then I'll be the girl with a stamp collection and who likes to roll coins and knit in a rocking chair. I'll be mellow and smile a lot and I'll usually look pretty dazed. If I'm imagining correctly, this is probably do to an increase in my happy pills which results in my continuously forgetting that I already took my dose for the day. I can't tell if I'm happy or not, but I bet I am. I bet I'm having a grand time. I'd also bet that I'm wearing a purple hat and a red shirt and the buttons don't match right. I'm not a hat person. I'm sure I won't care then. I might tell you something interesting...or I might just look at the stars and hold my own hand and remember that if I ever had any rules about hypocrites it was always to 'be the most hypocritical person you can, because then everyone will think you're doing it on purpose'.
Oh, what a life. Believe me when I say that you're better off not knowing.
Sincerely,
I wonder what you'd say if you knew
