11:44 p.m. - 2004-08-25
Why is the line so short?
I think I'm going about this the wrong way. Don't worry. I know what to do about it. You see, I think I've been writing too much about you and not enough to you. You being whoever cares enough to read.
This has been a pretty good summer and I think I had a good time and sure, I messed up a lot, but I wouldn't change a thing. Friend, I'm not sure why I trust you, but I do. Every time I try to convince myself it's not worth it, I give in. Maybe you're just very convincing or maybe I just want to have faith in you. Of all the things in this world that puzzle me, trust is near the top. Trust...well, what can I say? It's just a teenage love song that you hope works out and then you're writing names on trees and one second you're doing a math problem and before you know it there are initials and hearts everywhere. You can't stop trusting people because if you do then there's no reason for tomorrow. There's no reason for anything.
Someday I hope I never have to lie to you, or for you. Someday I want to be completely honest with you and everyone else too. I know that you could do so much better and I know that sometimes you want reassurance or to run away from me, but you can't. You won't let yourself. Or maybe I won't let you.
Best friends means never having to tell each other that that's what you are...just like being in love means never having to say you're sorry.
How many low points can we take? How many steep drops can we go through? I think it's funny when people don't like the drops or the climbing up part. The lows are so extreme and the highs are fucking looked over because you know it won't be long before you're 10 feet under. So, how much can we take? As much as we're given. You can't give up. You can't quit. You can't get out. This ride doesn't stop and it's too late.
"I'll take one ticket for the most ridiculous rollercoster you have, please."
"Yes ma'am. So, that's one ticket for the ride of your life? I suggest that you hold on the whole time and never trust what you see in the moment because before you know it, you'll be out of your seat again."
"Thanks for the advice, but I think I'd like to learn it the hard way."
"Suit yourself. To get to the ride you just look for the light at the end of the tunnel and when you see it, make sure you cry a lot. That's very important. You will also be gawked at and poked a lot and there will be funny looking creatures that make weird noises at you. This is how you know you're on the right ride."
"Thank you, sir. Have a super life."
Sometimes I think I'm living in a cocoon. This makes me keep hoping because then someday I'll turn into a butterfly. I guess sometimes i just think that we all have two lives. One as a caterpillar and one as a butterfly. I mean...we all go through times when we feel like caterpillars and we felt unloved and had to constantly deal with people wanting to kill us and birds wanting to eat us and everything else seeming so big and you have to constantly climb higher and higher and try to get to the top of that tree. We've all been there. you must have been, but then there are the times that you're a butterfly and you feel beautiful and you know that so many people love you and you have such a different point of view of everything and it's a spectacular site, because you know what it's like to fly with teh wind under your wings and the sun on your face and you know that all those millions of butterfly bushes around the world were planted for you. This cycle continues, because I am not a single butterfly. I am a person, a girl in fact and a single girl equals millions of caterpillars and butterflies. I don't mind the whole process really, but I hate when I am caught by a little child on his way to school and put in a jar and watched by his classmates and then when I get my wings and his mother says he should let me go, he doesn't and he keeps me down and I can't fly. I hate that. Then when I start to see no point in even flapping my wings anymore, he'll let me go and watch as I die slowly on the porch steps. If I'm going to die, I don't it to be anyone else's fault besides mine.
Maybe you think it's odd that I compare my double life to that of a caterpillar and a butterfly, but you do it too and don't you dare deny it. You took that ticket from that man at the stand and you never looked back after getting on the ride. You didn�t want his warnings, but now that you have no choice, I want you to listen to mine. You have to go all the way up and all the way down. You can't escape. You just have to deal and when you get bruised, smile and smile pretty because every bruise tells a story.
It doesn't take much to make me smile, so when we're dropping so quickly and I look to my side and see you sitting there and begging with my eyes for your help, do what you can. I just want a reason to smile. It doesn't take much. I'll smile are brain freeze and sunburns and funny faces and silly words and simple songs and your laugh and your eyes that smile for you. I cry and complain and blame you and then I pick myself up and I ask you for a smile and we do it again. I wouldn't get off this rollercoster even if I could.
Maybe I don't live my poetry anymore and I don't even write it much anymore, but I�m certainly living something and whatever it is, I�m writing it too. I write my own stories and I live them and become the characters. I am my own artist and singer and writer and if you are ever feeling like your life is unsatisfactory, i will offer you mine, because I have no money to buy you a new one and when you tell me that i will no longer have one, I will simply remind you that I will color myself a new one.
I hope that when I die, I am reborn again, because I can't think of anything more exciting and thrilling and frightening and depressing, then the rollercoster of life. What a ride, what a fucking unbelievable ride.
"Ma�am would you like to take a brochure so you know what to expect?"
"No thank you, sir, I am quite skilled at ignoring everyone's advice and making everything up as I go along, already."
"Okay, if you say so, but you may want to watch your step getting on the
ride."
"Thanks again, but I plan on dancing all the way there and then falling as far from graceful as I possibly can onto the ride."
"There's someone who will really make a mark......."
Yeah, mister, I'm gunna make a mark, but just so everyone who follows me will fall on their faces and get stuck in wet cement. Only follow me, if you never want to see home again, and even then don't follow me, because I'll get you lost on purpose.
"Why is the line so short?"
"Because everyone gets a choice and if you don't want to live, then the only other choice is to die. Because living isn't the only option, but the alternative can sometimes make it look appealing. Because some people won't take risks and won't go until they know it's safe. Because you are the test subject and because everyone who has ever bought a ticket has lived the tale, but no longer then that. Because it is."
