11:38 p.m. - 2004-08-15
I'm not giving in
Dear friend,
Never trust anyone. Don't trust me. Especially don't trust me and be sure not to trust yourself because that's the surest way to get hurt. You start to trust yourself and soon you trust your own judgement and then you're trusting other people and then they're letting you down and you're taking the blame. I'll take the blame. I will always take the blame. I don't want you to use your kindness against me. It's not more then I can handle most of the time and you wouldn't say that if it was you because everyone is given what they can handle and it's not like you have much of a choice. being tired covers it all now. It's just an excuse or a generalized statement or just something to say when someone notices that I'm shaking and biting my lip and my eyes are starting to tear up. We've played this game before, friend, I'm the doctor and your the patient. I don't want to switch roles. I'm not good at giving someone else control. I don't like my own treatment. I'm sick of teh way thsi game is played and the rules make me angry. I won't call you at night when i'm crying and if I'm lucky you won't think twice about me wish for a thunderstorm the night I was taking off on that airplane. I don't want to die- I just want a lesson in being able to live. I never say what I mean because if I did then so many people would get hurt.I'm bringing more people into the situation- getting more and more second opinions. I'm not making this up. I can handle this all. This is my life. It's nice to know that I can count on a few people to care, but there is no solution and as long as I'm fine with that, then you should be too. i wish my heart could beat along with yours and that my breath could stay as steady, but unfortunaetly my heart skips a beat evrytime someone asks me how I really am and I've been having trouble breathing for longer then you know. I don't tell you about me because I don't expect you to care. I'm sorry you are always angry with me about something, but lets switch places someday and we'll see how easy it is. Do you even know me at all? I'm beginning to think you are the conspiracy, but I guess it's better then being the disease. I'll play teh disease. I'll be your excuse for a day off of school and then I'll be gone from your life. Just, do me a favor and try to remember me as a day when you got to relax at home, rather then a day that you felt like shit. I have your best interest in mind. Sincerely, The Complainer p.s.- I didn't say one fucking thing that i wnated to.
