7:36 p.m. - 2004-08-18
I'll be there
Warped tour tomorrow. I'm excited in that way that I think being around all those people will suck, but the music will be worth it. Some people are so impossible to be sad around.
Letter to a friend:
Dear friend,
How does it happen? How do people like us end up so empty inside? I can't smile anymore and I can't think of a reason for even bothering to talk. It seems like a waste of time and like my voice would do no good anyways. I'll never make a difference and I'm not a good person. I know this because I am reminded of it every chance someone gets. I know how you feel because I was told outright by someone who I considered one of my best friends. I told her I was trying my best and she told me that it wasn't good enough. Maybe I should just stop talking and stop laughing and stop being there at all. I'll cease to exist and just fade into the scenery. Maybe that would be best. I used to think I was just trying to help. I'd write to those who were lost and afraid and broken hearted. I would sing to the ones who felt so alone. I'm a sucker for a sob story and I used to think that maybe I was helping, but I'm beginning to think that I'm the curse and not the cure. Maybe everyone lies and everyone wants to fall in love and everyone secretly wishes that tomorrow was worth waiting for, but i'm not so sure. Maybe the only thing missing from all of us is something that only we, ourselves, can replace. I wish I could fix the world, but I seem to be better at breaking it apart and it seems that this movie that I'm watching, this life that I'm not living, it seems it's going to end too quickly and there will be no sequel. I'll never figure out the plot. This world is no fairy tale and anyone who was ever called a princess was lied to. All those broken hearted little girls who are waiting for their princes to come have all been lied to- they all have to wake themselves up and climb down the towers themselves and not dare trust anyone with anything that resembles kindness. Friend, what ever happened to living fairy tales? How do people fool themselves into thinking it's possible? Where do they get their hope? I woke up today and I forced myself to stay in bed. I knew there was no reason to get up but eventually I got up anyways just to see. I guess I had a shred of hope left. How do I keep waking up with these pieces of hope left? I'll lose them all and before I know it, my jigsaw puzzle will be scattered randomly around my life. It seems that these contradictions that we all live are getting so much more painful. Who can explain to me why living feels like dying and how breathing feels like being strangled? Where are the people who can explain these things to me? I guess they're somewhere inside of me, but......I just can't find the energy to find them. I've lost my voice and sense of reality. What's reality anyways? Is reality knowing that you live until it's time to take up a peaceful slumber is mother nature's infamous covers? No one wants reality and if they do, then they've already done something about it. Maybe I want a surreal existance. I guess what I really want is to do something and not worry about who is going to take fault with me over it and just live because I want to and just...find it worth all my while. I don't want to regret doing everything I could to help everyone who asked and I never will, but I hope that someday other people see that it was worth while and that maybe I'll stop being criticized. This is the best i can do, why isn't it good enough for anyone? Why isn't it good enough for me?
Tell me if I can help you, sweets, because you've saved me more then I've ever told you in the past and I hope that I can try to return the favor. Just talk, sweets. I'll always listen. I care so much about you too, but I'll do anything to try to help. I never want to have to stand by and watch you fall apart. People seem to excel at pushing you down and then making a game out of kicking you while you're there. I love you sooooo much. I love you far too much.
Love always,
Danielle
I really want to piss somebody off and just spite everyone I see today, but some people are worth everything.
