2:12 p.m. - 2008-04-18
She's breaking.
I was feeling optimistic today without reason, so i donated some blood in the name of a few friends. We're not blood sisters or anything, but i figured they could use the points and I was all about trying to save a life. It's kinda lazy, you know? You just lay there and bleed and get a pat on the back for being a good kid. I needed to turn inside out anyway. How else will I get this out of me?
Not so sure about how to get home anymore. Recent developments and there's just no trust in that relationship anymore. So I make a phone call because I could use a pick me up, but the phone call feels like a lecture and I'm the only one in the all. Wait fifteen minutes and then leave because he's not coming. Leave before you are left? Or just don't come around here anymore? Maybe just stop altogether.
She cried on the phone. She didn't want me to be disappointed. She didn't want me to hate her. I've been here too many times before and I saw it before it was even there. You cannot surprise me with the past, we're enemies, but there is a mutual love for that same hatred. They are one in the same. Do you hate someone enough to love them or love them enough to hate them? If you do then you're lucky. So lucky. You should be grateful for that. You know?
Do you live for love or love to live? I love to live. I cannot even fully express my gratitude most of the time, but life has been good to me. I never want my frustrations to be misinterpreted as ingratitude, but I'm sure at some point someone will note that I have been spoiled.
If you're constantly watching people, it;s hard for them to get in, but if you close your eyes, you won't know who is standing right beside you. So, what do we do? Stand really still and blink incessantly. Cheers to that.
