9:00 a.m. - 2008-03-30
30 days.
I can't call home. There's always more problems every time I do. Dad laid off again. Grandpa in the hospital. And she flew home after the break up in hysterics. She almost went back to Westwood. I don't like answering the phone..because I'm 500 miles away and absolutely useless. Still, that feels too much like running away. Then again, sometimes I think that's what all of this was about. Why did I come here? Was it just so I wouldn't be there?
It's not, you know. I know that. There is always a reason, however stupid it may be.
I keep having dreams in which I have cancer and it's spreading quickly. I don't know what to make of them because they are nearly continuous and I am not afraid of getting cancer. When I wake up from them, I am not even worried or upset, but really really calm. It doesn't make any sense. But sometimes, I'd like to think dreams can just be dreams and not have some other meaning. Freud would never have welcomed my company or thoughts.
Sometimes I forget how easy it is to live and how easy it is to live alone. When I remember, I feel I never have enough appreciation for everything wonderful in my life. I really do appreciate it though, eve if I suck at showing it.
The birds are out here. That means it will be nicer soon. The sun makes me feel better about the world. And I'm planning on looking up day cares and nursing homes that I can volunteer at next year. I can't do nothing. I never want to take for granted any amount of time.....yet, I have done that so much already.
Chan totally gets it. And she humors me through all of my insistence on following earth hour and everything else that I make her do. I've been blessed with people in my life that convince me there is so much good in human nature.
Keep it up homegirl. Always. Don't quit.
