9:40 p.m. - 2008-01-26
dramatize.
Fell asleep at 5:30, woke up at 7 to do laundry, back to bed at 9:30 and slept on and off until 12:20. Woke up with a headache and feeling disoriented. I never sleep that late. Weird.
Talked for a while. We talk more now. But I dismiss it because I don't want to get my hopes up. Talked with the eternally underaged as well. Disappointment. I'll never understand just giving away everything like that in a moment. I don't know. I don't want to be a confessional.
Dazed most of the day. Brunch. Tea. Headacheheadacheheadache. No right to complain after seeing how fets was. met her in the bathroom...where her insides were throwing themselves against all she had. She had hit her head on a table enough times to have a bruised forehead and even a whisper was too loud. Happy Birthday to her best friend. She skipped out on greece because she felt awful. I am sympathetic, though i still laugh.
Basketball game. we win. boys from scotland came to cheer on Kieran. They wore kilts and had sweet accents. They seem like fun. I sold raffle tickets to benefit juvenile diabetes research.
and now, well, now, I sit. And wonder. What are my favorite things of today? That's not what I was wondering, but it came to me now anyway.
1.) Warm shower.
2.) Pancakes.
3.) Singing with Jessie and Beth at the game.
4.) Best cup of tea in a long time/ most needed.
5.) Cheerios for dinner.
Despite this, I'm a little down.
The weather has been drab, cold, but gloomy and everytime it starts to snow, the wind blows it far far away and we never see any of it add up. The sky is unforgiving and the wind is bitter and cruel. We don't talk during the winter. Ever notice that? We stand with mittens in the snow and we drive endlessly. It's too cold too speak, or maybe we just feel too alone to pretend that we're not. If I wasn't so cold, I'd call this nostalgia, but it cannot possibly be. I save pictures of cruises and the most amazing groups of people placed together, more likely thrown together...and I love it. I just do.
I want to go somewhere warm with warm beach sand and warm warm and snow and wherever this is, I will live here forever. I'll take bike rides to nowhere and jump over waves and read novels about the happily ever after syndrome and I will also live happily ever after.
Mother says not to trust anyone and to never believe they will follow through on anything, but I disobey. I always believed, even if I thought I shouldn't.
I've taken too many showers, but I can't seem to feel clean enough in this dirty city. I was always meant to blend in, and never wanted to. It doesn't matter though. If we want to change the world, we will.
Let's go. Let's do this. I'll finish my schooling and you do what you want and then we'll go to Africa and I'll try to make a difference and you will make a difference. Unless you're done?
blue crayons rarely work in coloring me back into hearts. I asked that approximately a year ago. I said, if I give you a blue crayon will you color me back into your heart? Life?
You and MJ are tight. I get it. I mean, I don't, but my opinions rarely count. They rarely register on your radar. You thought my email was stupid and unnecessary. I'm sorry.
Let's just shake on this. But then again, my hand is freezing and I wouldn't want to cause any tiny bit of feeling, no need to acknowledge the world freezing right outside your window.
But really, It's okay here. I like it. I like mostly everything. But if I could have everything my way, well, it probably wouldn't be like this.
I miss home.
