10:45 p.m. - 2006-02-25
it sure entertains on tired days when getting up means getting dizzy
pitter patter pitter patter. heels on the wet cement. click click click. cameras. pictures. fucking memories. well, stop remembering then. absolutely idiotic antics. How do you even survive the night?
Well that's it, isn't it? Just trying to survive.
Surviving is easy. It's actually teh easiest thing there is in life.
It's happiness that is difficult. Being truly content wherever you are with whoever you're with.
Not many acheive it.
Stop taking fucking pictures. Hang them up, critic the lighting, the arrangement, everything about the picture. did you even look at it as a whole? the whole picture. did you?
It's sad, but I'm happier now. It's sort of as if I am not connected at all anymore. A free agent, if you will. Just dangling. I see the flaws and i see the good. Just living. just being content.
But I still worry.
And graduation still makes me terrifyingly down and just plain bummed out.
but we push out into the deep water
what else would we do?
what would you do?
what would...Jesus do?
He runs away. Most do.
Why don't you start saying what you mean for once?
well, why don't I?
Because I'm scared. Because I know that everyone always leaves. because trusting is just not for me. not for high school.
my reasons aren't the same as theirs.
It's almost monday. it's almost march. It's almost more then I can handle.
I make these lists. I organize. I try at least. But, nothing gets crossed out. nothing gets accomplished.
I'm just stuck here writing letters to the world. no, not quite.
it's a sickness you know. I know it is. I can't understand it. It just..haunts them all.
I get dizzy waking up in the morning. A rush of jumping into the day. Always spinning and never keeping my eyes on something constant.
I'm repeating the same actions and expecting different results. A demonstration of the definition of crazy.
hiding in covers. So tired. pumped up on pills that bring me down. numb. limbs go numb. mind gets confused and it feels so weird. the feeling of not feeling. but the alternative is not taking it and that feels like shit.
dreams where they keep leaving me and I'm just watching, slightly amused, but not affected. When did that happen?
Rising to the occasion while the sun rises too. a cup of tea with the birds, but beware. red circles around the moon.
It can be scary. Petrifying even. To be someone's life support. even for just a few minutes. to be in charge of their fate. or not even that dramatic as that, but just as being able to impact someone in any way.
We all just wnat to be loved unconditionally. it's why we sing and dance and send each other cards on holidays that we don't even understand.
These walls are made from music and wrapped in thorns that you can't break through. I'm dancing. You don't need a reason to get out on the dance floor.
Just say what you mean.
Anna is a bitch.
But how do you kill a bitch that has become such good friends with your friends. I should quote Brand new. i won't.
They don't want to hear it, you know.
or maybe they do.
There comes a point when just getting through the day takes effort and sleep is really hard to come by.
And I start to forget who i am and the music I listen to and who i am friends with and why I accept people for who they are when i meet them and becoming less then that is cause for irritation.
A shrink would probably call it selfish...well, in nicer terms,. something abotu how i take it personally as they were fine before they met me. I really don't think I have that power over anyone, but I think that's what someone else might say. It's a view point. Just not mine.
"In your opinion and what is that? just a different point of view."
"I'm not as strong as I thought.
So when I'm lost in a crowd,
I hope that you'll pick me out.
Oh, how I long to be found.
The grass grew high. I laid down.
Now I wait for a hand to lift me up, help me stand.
I have been laying so low"
They always save the last bit for after we can't stand it anymmore. Encore encore. you're on tour you're on tour. encore. encore.
Everyone wants to be loved. beloved.
west coast romances meet east coast personality. stormy weather and unprepared citizens. at least they're happy.
die happy. otherwise none of it was worth it.
Don't cross me out. Don't pretend like we're be forever. because the modern definition is unsatisfying, but don't cross anyone out yet. It's too early to worry about where alliances lie.
At peace on the outside to balance the war inside. if the mirror is winning then I'm sorry for your loss of self control.
You. yes. You.
It's not always about the crocodile kind, but don't worry, I won't narc on you, cuz.
There's a point when independence seems lonely, but there's only so much I can handle at once. maybe i'm figuring out my limits.
Making hobbies out of lying to kids' mothers for them and catching snowflakes on my eyelashes while i cross main street after work. I'm invincible.
You looked miserable and I wanted to hug it all away. Like a friend would if you were that kind of person. It's not being able to help or make it better that makes me feel like less of a friend then anything.
it's coild outside. and inside. it's just cold and lonely. why?
i've had it with you and mexico can fucking wait.
