6:06 p.m. - 2006-02-27
keep living. Keep moving. keep creating riots
Wandering the halls alone. Polite conversation with the lunch ladies and foreign language well wishers in broken french and stringy, American accents. Sounds like violins in airshafts and a static driven janitor's radio. Waiting. Watching.
They're bustling with conversation. They're ready to go out in the world, but they're all attached. Holding hands, hearts, voices. Holding each other back? Pushing each other forward? A constant tug o' war that makes me think back. way back to field day and nash and a security in loneliness that I can't even begin to explain.
Crashing crashing crashing. ANd holding on. Full circle. That's all we're asking for. A fair chance to make it all the way around and not end up worse for wear.
Creating communication barriers and defining myself. in consonants, vowels, and other people. i am the reaction to yoru action. I am the rule. the law. and never the exception.
Who is teh one person you wait all day just to see for a minute? who brings a smile to your face no matter what? the one you'd want to see in any condition just because you feel a connection that breaks through the daily doldrums?
tell that person you love them for being who they are.
I was talking with Heather the other day about how we both felt sorta like loners at heart. Like.. we weren't connected. Just passing through the days. Just content in being alone.
There's a point when we all have to let someone in and just show them who we truly are, but we decide when. We choose who and when and where. But not how. that's the element of surprise at it's finest.
I'm sick of reacting. I'm just tired of the way reactions can be documented as living. It should be mutual and it's not. because I wouldn't call living a reaction. Though, i suppose that makes sense. We don't choose to do it. it's just...what happens. we're brought into the world and to some extent we can choos eot live or die, but if you try to die, goodness they just fight and fight and fight to keep you alive. and then you're just another reaction- to treatment, to rules, to parents, to teachers, to friends, etc.
it's not enough to want to change the world or to color in all the lines or to be kind and personable and just accept things. it's not enough.
Face the music.
