2:01 p.m. - 2005-12-04
Mundane Sundays when you're gone.
It's winter. I know it's winter because the snow has been falling steadily since I got up this morning, foggy minded and everything. I like how calming the snow is. It's reassuring that no matter what is going on inside the house and how much panic is creeping up my throat and clawing at my insides, I can glance at the window and a winter wonderland is just continuously preaching a sense of calm.
Family stops by after church at my nana's and continue cleaning and tending to the tea and holiday decorations. Today I have bangle bracelets on my arms that jingle when I walk and it reminds me of when I was younger and used to play with my nana's best friend's earrings when she let me sit on her lap. It's a strange association, but I think once she wore bells and that's the one that I remember most.
From the next room over I hear crying, bantering, and a little bit of laughter. the good balances the bad and I simply breathe in and out and close my eyes as I lean against the banister; holding up the walls. I can't help feeling that they don't deserve this. And when i am left alone with my nana and mother, both crying, I hold their hands and tell them "God never gives us more then we can handle. Have some faith. The faith of a mustard seed, remember?" and they both look at me through tear streaked eyes and tell me my hands are like icicles. And I laugh, because if I didn't laugh, I would cry. A lot. And I like myself more when I laugh.
I'm afraid and ashamed of that, but I am afraid to really detail any of what makes me feel liek this, because sooner or later, it will break me down and I will cease to be more then an insignificant mass because I will cease to be real at all.
Some want to escape reality, they are dying to live a life that does not exist and probably never will. I am simply living to live. Some are dying to live and others are living to die, either way both are accomplished, it's just a matter of order. Ask me which one I'm doing. I dare you.
There is something about lunch table abandonment that is unsettling. Walking into a room filled with people, laughing, pointing, cat calls, sounds of enthusiasm through different mediums of expression. It's terrifying in solitude. To find a table with a tint of familarity abandoned and reclaimed. Fight alone. But some friends won't let it last long and won't let it really get to you and they save you and humor you and that's when you really ahve to be grateful. I don't know why I used you there. I meant me. That's what I did. Not you. "You" weren't there.
I'm starting the newspaper series.
And the newspapers will read: "Teens plan to reinstitute unconditional love and fail; a lesson in unrequited love!"
Such truth. Such truth.
I miss that. It's not going to happen this year. We're lost souls. The fish bowl effect. There's too much keeping us apart. or should I say, there's too much that we're letting keep us apart.
I think I'm getting a new jobs. weekends and holidays.
We used to smile more.
Someone spin me a smile. Please.
Possibly one of my favorite pictures, even though our eyes are shut. I don't necessarily want summer back. I love the snow. But I want to have the feelings of summer wrapped around me. The comforts of the season.
