11:50 a.m. - 2004-11-13
\"I'll be at your place in ten\"
Dear friend,
No more enlightening thoughts for you, darling, because they obviously aren't doing a thing and I trust that you're capable of learning the hard way, just like everyone else. There are a million songs and dances that could be performed just for this occassion, but I wouldn't dare put forth the effort. I'm not so into caring much anymore and it's working out pretty well. Funny how things work out, huh? Waiting around and helping everyone and caring about everything was nice and I had a lot of free time on my hands. Now, I just expect nothing and it's working out great, because i'm always somewhere. Do people always like you more if you act like you don't need them? That's pretty messed up, but I guess people only accept what they think they deserve. I think I took that from somewhere, so I should quote it, but I won't, because I'm telling you it's not mine. We used to spend a lot of time on pause. We'd walk around the town in the winter and hide out in little shops, just to get warm. There's a good chance that we're on fastforward now, but I'm not the one in control, so we probably will be until the next movie starts.
I've had an idea for a mixed cd that I actually like and I'm hoping you'd be interested in helping me out with it. Starting on December first, I am going to write down one song everyday and it's going to be the song that was stuck in my head during that time. Every day I have a song stuck in my head and that is what my cd will be. It will be the last month of the year and I think that will say something about it. If you're wondering hwo you can help, here's how: get songs stuck in my head. Have any ideas for amazing songs that you think should be on there? Get them into my head.
The snow today is perfect. It was the perfect way to wake up. Wheatus singing "teenage dirtbag" through my cd player and the sun reflecting off the snow. It's really the first real snow. Sure, we already had the first real snowfall, but this actually accumulated to something, so it's better. I love when I first let Sampson and Emma out in it because they are such ditzy dogs and they act like they've never seen it before. It's cute because they get so excited.
I really feel like walking around today and getting some hot cocoa and well, it would be good if I had a destination in mind, but I never do. Too bad today is already taken, but maybe tonight, because the night shouldn't end at 5. No, never. Not unless it's AM. Edit: I cancelled my plans today. Maybe I will take that walk.
When it comes to being jealous, you've got it down to a T. I can see it and the things you say are the only proof I'll ever need. I can't care anymore because I don't want to. Well, obviously i still care because I'm bringing it up, but not to you. If you wnat something done, then change it yourself. I'm not playing these games. We've been here before twice. Yes, twice. Now the tables are turned. Now, it's your turn to speak up.
My entries seem so pointless lately, but I don't have it in me to have something really riddled and meaningful every day. Or every week, actually. I just like to write, as terrible at it as I am.
It's terrible how just a few months ago, I knew you better then I knew myself. You had this idea about how life would be in 10 years and I kept silent, because who am I to tell you that we probably won't be friends forever? I'd love it if we were, but just look at us now.
Last night I hung around with Eninaj, Mas, Einnej, and Aras. I re-recorded Einnej's voice mail. Now, it says "Something witty and death!!" as opposed to the oh-so-popular screaming of her name at with an impressively peppy tone. I liked it. I don't like my voice on machines or phones, or anything.
Weekends seem so short lately because I try to make them worth it. They used to be such a nice length, because I didn't do as much. I guess it doesn't matter much, because I'll get used to it, because what other option is there?
Everyone is rushing Christmas this year and my only response to them is to sing �Yule shoot your eye out�
� cause I've been checking my list
the gifts you're receiving from me
will be
one awkward silence
and two hopes you cry yourself to sleep
staying up, waiting by the phone
and all I want this year is for you to dedicate your last breathe to me
before you bury yourself alive�
Don�t call me when you see the snow and don�t even think of me this Christmas, unless you�re actually thinking of saying something worth it.
My birthday is next month. I hope everyone forgets about it. I guess that makes it stupid for me to have said this, but it would probably make everything better. I�m sick of some people expecting me to be happy, when other people are crying. It�s frustrating. I�d rather ignore it. Then again, I don�t know how I�d actually feel if that happened.
If I had any musical talent at all, then I�d write you a song and tell you I wanted your opinion and I�d see what you�d say about it because I would have spent the longest time picking the right notes to go with the right words and maybe it could have meant something, but this simply isn�t possible and it wouldn�t have mattered to anyone anyways.
Sometimes when I can�t sleep, I think of happy thoughts that would make my fly so high, with a little pixie dust. Most of them are at times when everyone was happy, because believe it or not, we had some of these times. These are the times I like to remember you, because you smiled a lot and you had a lot of fun. I wonder who ruined it for you, or maybe you just ruined it for yourself.
I hope you�re having a nice weekend.
