6:35 p.m. - 2004-11-09
\"Do you guys want a detention?\" \"No. Do you want a hug?\"
Dear friend,
We've all got reasons to smile and reasons to hide behind them - when it comes to that- but I wish you'd leave the code out for me to crack so when it comes to these games I know how to play along. I want you to know, that everyone is two faced and everyone has demons. You can only hope for a semi-charmed life and maybe someday you'll get more then you asked for. Until then, forget about those friends that left and the long walk to the ledge, because today could be different and maybe I can understand. Maybe today can be different, "maybe today, we can put the past away".
I don't know why, but today was perfect. It had the potential of being terrible, but it wasn't even close. The sun was in my eyes all day and no matter how hard I tried to avoid it, I just had to close my eyes and go with it and somehow I couldn't help but smiling at the sun constantly defeating me. Everyone was friendly and everyone was talkative, if not completely casual. I walked home and I was freezing, but the sky was amazing and I wish I had a camera with me at the time, because no words will do it justice and it reminds me of when I used to run to the end of my street and hide in the trees from my sister and I'd watch the sunset, because I didn't catch on for a long time that sisters are too lazy to look too hard for younger sisters. Haha. I should have never expected her to look at all. In any case, I froze walking home, but it made it all that much more amazing when I got inside because I was instantly warm and by that I mean that cozy inside kind of warm, if you know what I mean.
I'm just going to say this next part because I feel like rambling and feel free to have an opinion, but really it's just my own feelings and doesn't affect you. Basically, I'm just saying not to take offense.
This year seems to really be about seperation and isolation. I don't mean that we're all drifting apart and will never be friends again, but I do mean that for the last two-three years the people I talked to the most were Eninaj and Ytteb and I hardly talk to them at all anymore. Really. It's to the point where it can be awkward. It's not anyone's fault. I just don't feel like I know them much anymore, but I don't feel like I know many people lately. I hardly ever talk to Aras anymore and when I see Mas, well, I don't really see Mas now that soccer ended and she's back to work. I'm glad that I at least talk to Yllek and Ahsas more, but they don't exactly live in walking distance, well, unless it's daytime and it's not exactly the type of situation where I could just stop by and their parents would just be used to me being there. When it gets to the point where you're just like a picture on the wall [not noticed unless it's gone] then that's when you know you belong. I'm not really complaining. I mean, "when everything is lonely, I can be my own best friend". [sidenote- Thank you, Sasha,for telling me to listen to Lua. Even though she doesn't read this] I'm just not used to it and I guess that's why I want to meet new people so much. With new people, you never have to expect more then casual conversation and hope for a slightly friendly attitude and if I am denied, then who cares, life goes on. "oublie de, oublie da"
This year seems really seperated and unfriendly a lot of the time and that really bothers me at times. No one really gets it, but I keep saying that I don't remember last November and it actually means more then I'm letting on, but it shouldn't. Last year, well, I loved last year, as much as so many people didn't and at the beginning of this year, I tried to hold on to whatever images I had left from it, but now they're all gone. Somewhere in the last few months, I decided that I should stop counting on the past so much, because memories are nice, but if I live in them too much, then eventually they'll run out. So now, here I am and I can't even remember last November and that's kind of sad, because i'm sure it was lovely. Nhoj says it doesn't get better next year either. Oh well. "Que sera, sera" It's no big deal, but it can be slightly lonely. Sure there are groups, but when it comes down to weekends when you're sure that you'd love to go to the Commons and lie around and you can't think of anyone who would be interested, then it can really suck.
People don't believe me when I say I'm good at lying, but they don't know. Sometimes I just sort of pretend to lie and that way that "I wish people were better at getting hints, but I won't tell them" sort of way. When I want to, I am good at lying. This is mostly because people do not expect me to lie and a lot of the time I don't even mean to lie. I'm constantly trying to make things more interesting then they are because I've reached a constant state of boredom. Other times I just lie because I know it's better for other people. I like being nice and polite. You could say I get a kick out of it, because no one really expects it anymore, so I try. I can be good at picking up people's moods and please don't see this as me being egotistical and cocky, because I swear I very rarely think I'm good at anything, but I can lie and I can pick up on moods. I react to my environment and people are predictable- making them easy to read and easy to lie to. I know when you want to sit down at the table and there's no room and I know when you'd rather hang out with someone else on saturday and I'm okay with that. I even provide the out. Have you ever wondered why I suddenly felt so energetic after having no sleep and need to get up and dance around or suddenly become ill? If you knew when I did it, then you'd probably feel quilty, but I try to hide it and if I slip, then I joke around until it's "sooo 5 minutes ago". Yeah, it's not an important part of anything, but it's certainly something.
I don't know. I mean, how's it gunna be the rest of the year? You can say that we're okay and that I'm getting it all wrong. Maybe I am dramatic and maybe I am exaggerating, but don't waste your time argueing with me, because I already know your point of view. I know you that well and if I were in your shoes, who knows what I'd do differently, but I'm telling you that I know what you're doing is right for you, but I'm plainly saying how it is viewed at first glance from my eyes.
It's almost winter and I've just got to say, "I've never been so alone, alone, alive, alive, I've never been so alive, so alive". The only part I hate is the thought that the sun will be going down in my eyes and there will be nothing to blind me. Maybe I'll invest in a pair of rose colored sunglasses and wear them around town like I've got the attitude to match. Then again, pink was never my color, dollface.
It snowed for the first time last night and I didn't know whether to be happy or disappointed about it. I was excited, sure, but this fall was awesome and I hate to see it go. It was the first fall in probably 5 years that I have raked leaves alone and jumped in them alone. ha. Sometimes, friend, you make me laugh, because you have clocks crying for you, but you still can't get the timing right.
If it were summer, I'd spend tonight catching fireflies and telling them secrets because I know they'll never tell. Do you want to know a secret? Too bad. All the secrets I have are either known by everyone who asks, or they aren't known by anyone besides me.
I also wanted to clear this up, because I don't think I explained it well at all. I do not get angry at people very easily. I certainly get annoyed, but unless I come right out and tell you that I'm angry at you, then I'm not. I'm not subtle in the least. I'm an open book, if you know how to decode me.
I'd ask for conversation, but I know it won't work out because it's either nonsense, or it's there but doesn't mean anything because you don't want it to. In any case, it's not worth asking for.
My hands are freezing, but they only get cold when the rest of me is warm. Really. When I'm freezing, my hands are the warmest things, but when the rest of me is pleasently warm, my hands are like ice.
I love ice skating. I can't possibly imagine a winter without it. Whether I'm alone or with friends, I spend most weekends in the winter at some form of ice skating rink or frozen over pond. I have since I was really little and flying around on Barbie skates, spending more time on my back then the skates, of course. Ahsas says skating starts soon and that makes me unable to stop smiling. I fall a lot when I ice skate even though I've been skating for so long. I sort of like it, but I wouldn't like it if I was pushed. I like tying ice skates too and I can actually tie other peoples' too because a lot of people can't tie them tight enough and that is bad for ankles.
This was such a random, scattered and sloppy entry, but I'm just in an overall content mood, despite that my head feels cloudy and my hands are freezing and I need to study for some tests tomorrow that I won't study for at all.
I think this is going to be an extreme winter. I like winter, so I don't consider it bad, but I do think we might be getting some snow days out of it. I hope we have some snowball fights this year. I hope no one is mad at each other when we have them. Haha and now I suddenly remember last year's snowball fight and the circumstances surrounding it. Absolutely ridiculous. Haha.
Friend, I hate to see you so sad, because I knew you when you smiled because you couldn't understand why not to. I knew you when you smiled at everything and I remember when that someone special to you went to that much better place and I cried, but you didn't. Do you remember why? You said she was happier now. You were my idol. I grew up with sadness. My birthday is associated with sadness. Yes, people actually cry on my birthday. I was born a year after my grandfather's funeral and from what I hear, he was the most amazing man. I wish I knew him, because I'd love to meet anyone as great as he sounds. In any case, friend, I never understood how you could be so happy, but now I get it. I couldn't then. Back then, my family didn't speak and my parents were always fighting and my dad moved out a few times and my nana was always in and out of nursing homes and hospitals. Oh yeah, and Rehtaeh was always a problem. She used to get really really upset before they knew what was wrong with her and she used to take it out on me. I still have scars. She used to threaten to kill me in my sleep too, for a while, I thought maybe that was why I had sleeping problems, but I don't think so anymore. I'm not afraid of her. I wish you were still optimistic, friend, because you really were happy. I have pictures. I have proof. I have memories.
Now the tables are turned. I try to look for all the good things and you can't unstick yourself from what is dying to bring you down. I'd help lift the problem, if I didn't know that you would hate yourself if I helped. You're so independent. Good for you, but when you fall down, I'm going to pick you back up and you can hate me all you want, but I'm going to help.
Goodnight, friend. I hadn't talked to you in a while and thought I might as well write you a letter telling you how I am. I'm hoping maybe you'll return the favor, because the only real reason I write about myself is because I hope you'll write about yourself in return.
