7:47 p.m. - 2004-11-02
How similiar are we?
I was going to write an entry and dedicate it to you and tell you everything that's been on my mind, but that would take ages and I don't really want you to read it. Instead I have this. It is a representation of what was, is, and will be. You may ask how I know, but you're life travels the same path as mine and mine always follows the leader. We have woven ourselves a circle and perhaps someday we'll find the middle, until then we'll part ways and share the occasional wave across the universe.
Let's pretend for an instant that neither of us have figured out what is happening around us.
It's quarter to five and in seven different continents and seven different countries, seven different woman are waking up. The alarm is screaming and their heads are still ringing from the sleep that was so far from relaxing. You are one of these woman. You quietly rise from your bed, careful not to wake you're significant other who is peacefully sailing lullaby bay. You dress in drab sweatpants and a sweatshirt that you wear to the gym and you start making coffee, because how can you get through your day without caffeine? You make your list of what needs to be done today, not because you need to remember, but because it is a habit of yours to write it down. You haven't needed to write down you're daily activities for seven years. Yes, seven years. Seven years you have been married. Seven years you have followed the same routine. Seven years you've been on pause and seven years you have wished you could cry yourself to sleep, but stayed awake instead. you are a victim of hope.
You know exactly where you went wrong in your life; you can pinpoint the exact moment and as much as you'd like to believe it was the moment you said "I do" and as much as you trick yourself into believing this, you know it isn't true. You know that you were on pause four years before you even met your beloved. You know this, but you'd do anything to blame it on someone else, something more significant and what better then such a common cause. Marriage. It almost makes you wonder how many divorces are for the better and how many are just coverups for other things that can't be explained.....or don't want to be.
You finish you're third cup of coffee and make your way to the closet in the hallway, which contains various jackets, sweatshirts, and a few boxes of odds and ends that you never found the space for. You find a big windbreaker that will cover your sweatshirt and you head to the door. You have become accustomed to your quarter past five walk through the park everyday. It is November and at such an early hour, the outside world could easily be mistaken for the hour at which most retire to bed. Most of the leaves have fallen from the trees and are scattered about the ground, but it is a brisk morning and the wind blows the few leaves that remain about the air and at times they land in your hair. You walk along the winding path to a bench that is found in the center, the largest clearing known to the park. This is it. This is the exact spot that your life left off twelve years ago. You come here everyday in hope that you might remember some important piece of information that you forgot and will be able to pick up where you left off. It hasn't happened for twelve years, what makes you think it will happen today?
You sat in this exact spot twelve years ago and you cried because you felt lost and didn't know what to do. Who would? Young, pregnant, and homeless. Obviously not a favorable situation. With no one in the world to turn to, you did what you do best. You tucked yourself tightly into your own world and you resolved to take care of yourself. You did too. That day you went to 9 different businesses looking for work and before you knew it, you were to be secretary of a small company on the corner of 24th and East street. You went through that day as a calm, cool, and collected adult; cautious and responsible. That was the new you. Do you remember now? Do you recall the transition between hysterical and at peace? You missed it before you knew anything had happened.
You stand up and walk back to the house. Yes, the house. You still can't bring yourself to call it yours. It's time to wake up the kids and get ready for the school bus. It's time to make breakfast and make sure your husband gets to work on time. It's time to put on that smile, because there's always your secret rendezvous in the woods tomorrow to stay hopeful for. Now, you kiss them each on the forehead as they leave the house and you sigh with relief. Brilliant. Stay hopeful. Stay optimistic because someday, probably when you're just about to give in, you'll figure it all out and you'll be a better person because of it. Until then, you just have to breathe.
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