12:06 p.m. - 2004-10-30
This is what so many dream of
I wish I was a sailor because I'm sure that you're a siren, you like to lure people in and then watch them self destruct. We're not all as lucky as inspector gadget and I'm thinking you've known this all along. Sure I could put away the rock music and sing along to emienem and dido, but I'm more stubborn then Stan and if you think I'm joining the conspiracy, then your rockstar ego is getting to you. "Oh yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone" Bravo. I could write a song with ass-inine {ba dum cha} innuendoes about finding love in the back of a sunset motel in vegas and watching sleezy devotchkas who think they're graceful swans and headed for ABC. I could read books about being infinite and having the best times of our lives, but I'm more likely to pick out it's flaws and hand it back to you butchered and picked apart. I am the vulture.
I could live off chemicals to keep me nice and laid back all the time, but it's more fun this way and who wants to sit through an evaluation? Turn on your headlights and watch the speedometer because I'm waiting to hit the perfect speed before I hang out the window and scream because then maybe I'll be able to breath a bit more easily. The only problem is that I'm afraid to let you drive.
Yeah, well, we'll figure it out someday. We usually do. I wonder if you smell the same, because it used to smell like you when you were around. Some people don't notice the scent of people, but there are different ones. It's usually the scent of their houses. I wonder.
I'm hoping you're up for hearing about it because I'd love it if we went to the park and drank hot cocoa under the stars and we could talk about all the things that have been getting us down for months and I'll try not to cry and I'll probably manage to choke back the tears, but maybe you'll know me well enough to know I just don't trust either of us well enough to cry in front of you. Maybe things will change, but I think it's unlikely.
I'm out of nail polish and Barbie and Ken publicly broke up, all that's left is the music and now you're refusing it. What happens when the leader jumps into the sea, the followers follow. Lets play leap frog off a cliff! You ask me if I'm positive, but only idiots are positive. I know this because Batty told me and Batty never lies. I wish I could write down all your names and clear out tell you what I think, but unless I'm sure you won't mind hearing my opinions, then I don't say them. I like to be asked for information. I hate giving it voluntarily. I'm sick of giving you information.
I hate feeling invaded and you're all so good at doing that. There is nothing in this world that I own by myself. There is nothing that is solely mine and that makes me feel controlled and I hate that. Lets go meet some new people and explore the world together, or at least lie around in Boston Commons and play wondering games. Riddle riddle riddle, pronoun pronoun pronoun.
I'm thinking maybe I should start over tomorrow, because it's raining today and I'm hoping the rain will clear away the muck. It could just make more of a mess for me though, because I tend to jump through puddles, instead of walking around them. I don't make waves, not even ripples, but I certainly make a fuss. I wish I complained less, but argueing is really something I've almost perfected and although I'd like to be liked by a lot of people, some people I'd rather be hated by. I could jump in lakes and sing songs about our love, but I'd rather watch you inhale cancer and change your morales to conform with others'. That's two cases of abdication this week and both of you make me want to enlighten you, but I'm no preacher and who am I to tell you how to live? I wish it didn't matter to me and maybe tomorrow it won't anymore.
There is a girl who I know who would make me so jealous if I let myself because she is a good person. She is much younger then me and she makes everyone smile because she is clever and very very smart. She likes everything simple so she cut her hair really short and now people make fun of her and call her a boy and it makes her cry. I wish I could cut their hair and call them names because she is never anything besides nice to them.
There is a man who works at a restaurant near my house who is always so pleasent and he always remembers my name even though I give my mother's name when I pick up my salad. I had told him months ago my real name and he hasn't forgotten. He is old and good at conversation. He is the type of person that you can tell would have made a fantastic grandfather if he had been given the chance.
There is also a girl who I see walking everytime I leave my house. I overheard her conversation once and I found out that her mom is an alcohalic and her boyfriend dumped her and her best friend is always busy with her own boyfriend and that makes me sad for the girl. I wish I knew her better because if I did, I would hug her because she tries not to look sad whenever anyone is looking and no one should have to do that. Sometimes I wonder where she's walking, but other times I know she's just running away, running away home that is. She leaves her house every morning to escape the wrath of being born and she walks and she has every intention of running away, I bet she makes it to the town's border and probably farther a lot of the time, but then she remembers the good times and those are the times that really bring her down because that's what the good times are there for. I bet she's all ready to go when she remembers that there's a chance that she could be that happy again and there are people who love her. This girl is a victim of hope. If I was an outgoing person, I would walk up to her one day and set her straight, but I can't even do that for myself, so we're both loss causes.
There is a boy who is quiet and level headed and kind when he's not hiding it. He wishes he was an asshole, but I bet if someone was playing a cd in the car and he didn't like it, I doubt that he'd throw it out the window and that means that he cannot possibly be an asshole. Unfortunately, that means he will be hurt and he will have to take it with a smile, or at least a knowing grin. He is wise because he sees things and he knows people, but he doesn't say anything, because he wants them to learn the hard way. Sometimes I wish I was like that, but I'm always trying to save people- even when they don't want to be saved.
There are people in the world who are dirt poor and live in train stations and beg for every nickel and dime they get and I see you scoff and tell them to get a job and I hate it. Sometimes I wish that communism wasn't so controversial, because I think in a perfect world, we could all work hard and earn the same amount and live happily and we could get rid of money because we would all trade only what we could and we'd all just share, but no, we do not live in a perfect world and communism is frowned upon and there is a man who asked me for any spare change the other day and I had to say no, because I was "broke". I'm not really "broke". My parents have money and I'm not poor. I have a house and food and water and I have warm clothes. This man did not. I would have stopped and asked him how he ended up that way and what happened to him, but I feared I would make him embaressed and so I trudged on silently. You say people like him should quit drugs and get a job, but who's to say they do drugs and who would hire someone who had to write "n/a" next to the address line of their resume? Not you, sir. Certainly not you. Could you stand to lower your standards and allow someone to work for you who was not capable of showering and wearing a fancy suit and who really only owned two pairs of pants and usually had to wear both pairs in order to stay warm through the night? I doubt it. It's highly unlikely. Maybe I am assuming and generalizing and certainly stereotyping and I apologize if you are one of these people and I have offended you, but for the sake of making a point, I have excluded the good that may in fact exist in this world of racing and chasing. Maybe no good will come out of this, but I'm not trying to change the world, I'm just making you aware of how it could be changed.
Maybe everything will be different tomorrow and maybe I will have something entertaining to say, but I doubt it and most of you won't get to hear it even if I do, because most of you don't know me and even more of you would never talk to me. If you see me tomorrow, talk to me. I'm not good at starting conversations. I usually just follow them and put in my two cents when I get the chance- unless I'm pissed off and then I'll yell a lot and hope you understand and agree. So, tomorrow, lets go out and meet new people and try to get out of this ruotine and we can talk, if only you agree to start the conversation and I bet it will be amazing. So, on Tuesday there's no school and I'm thinking maybe we can go to Boston Commons and play in the leaves and enjoy the fall, because soon the winter will be here and the city in the winter makes you sad and I don't want to go alone, even if I know I'll probably have to.
