10:52 a.m. - 2004-10-24
\"Our job is not to straighten each other out, but to help each other up.\"
I was going to write you an email, but honestly you have too many and I can't remember even one, but you know this is to you, because I am deliberately avoiding being subtle in any way. I don't blame you for any of this and I wanted you to know that. In fact, I think you just have a way of deciding to talk to me when I'm in the worst of moods and you should have realized by now, that when I'm upset my reasoning gets distorted and I say things that I don't mean and that will hurt people. I am happy for you. I'm so glad you're happy., If anything I'm probably almost jealous, because I haven't been "happy" in a while. I have to work pretty hard to be even be "fine". I'm not saying that's why I'm like this. It's not. Some of the things that I say when I'm upset I actually mean, though, and I don't think you care or maybe it's more like I don't think you should. I don't think anyone should because I'm not really feeling like I matter lately and that's fine by me because it's not too much different. I've tried a few approaches- one of them being distance, but the more distant I am, the more people get upset with me. You want to know why they're upset? It's because I'm not there for them. Again, I'm not saying this is your fault, but we've been affected by it because distant works with some people and you're busy. I understand that. I'm not trying to stop it, because I would never ever get in the way of you being happy, but what happens when it's gone? I never want to say that I won't be there, but at the rate I'm going I could be locked in my room and afraid to go outside. No one wants to ruin your happiness, but when they all move on, how happy will you be? If this is just another change, then let me get used to it. Believe it or not, I can do that. I was almost there, when distance came into factor and other stuff became very important. Do you recall how we were almost back there? Can you remember that? These two months haven't been much fun. Well, that's not fair to other people. There have been fun times, but I haven't felt much like having fun. I've felt stupid and awkward and...now I sound like a kid about to go through puberty. This whole thing is ridiculous, because I don't think it will change much. I just thought you should know it, because I always feel the need to explain to you what I meant after I know I've hurt you the night before. Although maybe I didn't really hurt you and I'm just making a mess now. I don't know, but it needed to be said. I think I may have become very comfortable with how thinsg used to be and then the changes confused me. I had you up on a pedestal, that you obviously didn't want to be on. I understand, I wouldn't want to be in that predicament either, but now I don't know what to think. I don't want to be disappointed and I have nothing to be disappointed about really, except me letting myself down, I let an image control what was reality and I know better then that. Just know that it's not your fault, but I have a lot of stuff going on rigth now and I'm not in a good place and although it may not be about you, I still won't tell you because I don't think you should know and I don't really trust what you're response will be. I'm sorry if that's less then you expected of me, but what can you expect from a broken person? I told you a while ago that you were leaving me behind and I was going to just have to be okay with it and maybe I'm on my way there. I guess we'll just have to wait and see, because what other options do we have? Cheer up, sweetheart, stay happy, but figure out what you need to. Goodluck with everything.
