4:25 p.m. - 2004-10-26
Prescribe to me a life that can be controlled by dosage
I suppose this is where I'm supposed to feel grateful and apologize and tell you I miss you and that I'm lonely, but lets stop a moment and consider dropping this routine of innuendo's. I'm sick of them and I'm sure if you give me a few moments I can think of something more clever to grumble about in protest. Or maybe I'll just continue to ramble on about colors of leaves and migration and frost and a new pair of glasses and maybe for a few moments I'll hope you can pick up on symbolism. It doesn't matter too much though because before we know it we're so gosh darn special and smart and fucking clever and we're getting paid to see spot run. Yeah, well, try this one out. I don't cry myself to sleep at night, or feel the need to join any cults devouted to Conor Oberst, as pretty as his lyrics may be. I do not want to die and I don't plan on killing myself- ever. There goes teenage angst and emotional customs of the temporarily distraught. In contradictory arguements of little purpose, I can't stand the thought of living past 100, because by then it will take a decade to get out the door and that decade could be better put to use sleeping soundly. I wouldn't mind being 89 and dying in my sleep and I'm going to laugh the next time the word infinite pops up in conversation. I hope I lose my mind when I get older, or more so then I have already, so I can dole out trivial information disguised as wise sayings like doses of cough medicine coated with sugar. Mary Poppins at your service. It would be amazing if I knew you but you know, that would require equal amounts of effort and neither of us are inspired quite enough to pull that off. Come listen to Rilo Kiley with me, because it makes me calm and it's likely that I would be compelled to have a conversation with you that would surely make a difference. I hate paragraphs. What else can you think of that is broken down into paragraphs to make life easier? I like making everything more difficult. I'm telling you that you have to digest it all at once. You're so fucking beautiful. Yeah, that must be it. I hate that sick feeling I get when I do this to myself. You know, you don't know me very well. I wish I honestly knew what you thought of me, but I don't trust you very much so I'm not sure I'd believe you....=/ I like when days are fun because of who you spend them with and pictures are pretty because of who is in them and when conversations knock your socks off because of who they were with. Maybe it's all about people and very little about what happens with them. Are you looking for a fairytale? Join the whole world. I could be cynical right now and crush your dreams and tell you that even disney movies are about the things your mommy warned you about. Yeah, Mary Poppins was a freak who had multiple personalities, Alice in Wonderland is about drugs, the Little Mermaid is about the impossible, because if you are born with fins, you can't have feet. Oh, I dare you to call me a bitch and say I rained on your parade. One of my favorite songs in currently on the radio and I love when that happens because someone else put it on and someone else loves that song too and it's amazing and I just went and danced to it and I'm actually writing this after it's over and I'm still smiling and I think it's wonderous when a song makes you smile and makes you ramble and you get so excited that you write about it and its all together and sounds terrible because it's just excitement and everything at once. I really love it when that happens. Has that ever happened to you? What song was it? I hate when it's over though because then everything rushes back. It's not that you don't want to and it's not that I don't want to, it's just that we can't. We aren't how we used to be. we are one minute ago and to anyone worth it, that's a million years ahead of our time. I hate what you think this is about and I hate thinking that sun showers are worth it. I hate feeling alone and I hate how I do it mostly to myself. It's not walks and rides and the breeze or even the air that refuses to settle at our feet. I'm not subtle and you're nowhere near being planted in the ground. I see no roses and I hear no cries of sunshine and singalongs. What happened to all the singalongs? I've been listening to screams that you won't run away over and over again, but I still have that feeling in my stomache and I still want to run away as fast as I can and I still want to scream, because it's all I know how to do. I'm going to be as hyporcritical as possible today because that way it will look like I'm doing it on purpose. Bury me under your gaze and I swear we could ride into the rain and out of the sunset because we're both so blind already. Pretty? Not even close. Understanding? At times. Distant? usually. Mellow? at times. I used to be more comfortable with you and I guess you were dead on right there. I hope I change the world, but if I ever try, it would be nice to know you were going to be there to hold my hand. I need a hug. Too bad asking for them is stupid. Too bad I will never believe you and what you say. I don't like who I am very much and the people I see and talk to the most have agreed with me on that on several occasions. It's not like I started out this way, but once someone tells you something enough, you start to believe it. I don't hate anyone because I see no point in it, but some people make me spend way too much time thinking up painful ways to get away from them. Always harmful towards me, not them. You can like me or hate me and that's fine, but this is me. I won't change for you and if you ask me to I'll look at you like you are slime on my shoe. Maybe I'm wasting away, but I know that I'm not. I'm walking and screaming because your attitude makes me want to scream and I hate what's going on, but you're a good person and as soon as I find someone worth conversation, we will just never stop talking. I swear it because if I don't then this is all so pointless. I'm trying to trick you, because those are the games I love to play, but I hope you win. I love it when you win, but I'll never give you hints. You have to figure me out on your own. I should probably end this now, but I have so much more to say to you. I just sometimes wish that you would respond. Remember me for the times I ruined you, not made you smile and I'll go easy on you and cover the mirrors with black silk and my eyes with sunglasses. It will be so much easier if you hate me, because then we'll finally have something in common again.
