8:50 p.m. - 2004-09-23
Long is the night for the sleepless
" Have you ever been in a state of pain so intense, it was like a living creature wound tightly around your rib cage and shoulders and neck? Getting into that place requires not just one thing that's wrong, but instead a whole tangled knot of wrongness. It requires wrong things you've done, along with wrong things that have been done to you. It requires both good and bad intentions, doubled and tripled back upon themselves until they're so distorted, you can't see clearly where they began. It requires wrong decisions, but no vision of what other choices you might have made. It requires you to see every inadequacy, every failing, every weakness you possess, magnified to horrific size. It requires bad luck. And then when you reach this place and look around, you see only blackness. And only one possible route to travel: downward, and inward, into more blackness."
I can't let anything go. I don't want to. I'm clinging, but not with much effort. My contradictions are comforting because I can still hide in them. I want to go, but I don't. I want to be with people, but only because that's when I feel the most alone and I want to get lost somewhere more traceable then the roads locked in my mind.
I reward your every move and when I fall, I do it far from gracefully. It's amazing that you never listen to a word I say. I know this. I have proof. When people tell me of your conversations and your surprise at certain things- certain things I told you- I'm not all that surprised to here that you were shocked. I'm one of many in Voiceless America.
There are so many people that you walk by each day in the hallway and you judge them and you say they are all the same, but how can you even say that, when you don't know half of them? How can you walk by these same people each day and judge them and insult them and laugh about it? How does this help anyone? How does all this drama make anyone happy?
Isolation is for the best so often. If not isolation, then just hanging around with people that I haven't seen in a while or don't know very well. Maybe I'm just bored, because I bore myself easily, but this feels deeper then boredom. This feel like pure loathing for people who don't really do anything to trigger such feelings.
This is a new type of tension. It the type of tension where I'm about a step from being in full out bitch mode. Except, I wouldn't do that because it would only make everything worse and annoy me more.
Why don't people just say what they mean? I mean to say that I am all sorts of cynical emotions all wrapped up in a not so pleasent shade of me.
It seems stupid and pointless to continue this because despite my efforts, I keep pushing myself down. See you all in hell, because after this year, I won't belong anywhere else.
