6:56 p.m. - 2004-09-22
Lets take the moon and make it shine for everyone
I don't belong here. I can't belong here. I am not a piece of this picture perfect utopia generated world that only exists in the most vivid of dreams.
I can't get up and go and go with the flow but, I can only bend in either direction so far. The truth is, I'll change when I know how and when I'm supposed to.
I hate making people feel bad about themselves. I never mean to and I always hope they believe my apologies, although I doubt they do, because I rarely do. I usually believe the person is sorry for making me upset, but not for what they did.
I don't know where I am, but it's certainly not here and I'd be very surprised if I was anywhere in the physical world. I'm probably just hovering above insanity and and toeing the line of enlightenment.
We are the generation of philosophers. We spend so much time asking questions and criticizing ourselves and trying to find the answer. We are the questioners and wave makers and above all else, we are the generation of never ending noice because we won't stand for silence. I don't belong here. I keep my questions to myself and continue walking, unphased by the prescribed anarchy you want to spread to my part of the sea. You have the whole ocean, what do you want with me? I keep silent, because you won't notice anyways and when it comes time for me to talk, I don't make it worthwhile.
I don't hide who I am except to those who are closest to me. I don't trust and I don't make promises. I hardle give out first chances, never mind second ones, but I try to be fair, because I know my brownie point system will only leave me heartbroken.
Maybe we will end up as that anyways. Perhaps in reality, we are a generation of heart broken muscians who won't stand for silence and write all our dreams to go with music instead of the music to go with the words.
I wish I could impress you with everything I said and you'd want to be around me forever, because even that would seem like such a short amount of time, compared with the infinite light and life we created in each others presence, but It's hard to be impressive, when you're comfortable being ordinary.
If I don't belong in this world of beaten up windows and out of tune pianos with record players that could make you dizzy without a sound, then where do I belong?
I'm getting that feeling in my stomache that means something is happening. Something big is coming and maybe it's distance growing ever-larger as this past summer progressed, or maybe it's something new, but something is happening and we will surely look back when it's through and wonder what happened and how we missed it. We will surely remember when and how and the choices we made.
Maybe this summer meant something. Maybe we don't all want to be alike anymore. We all count on the summer to bring us to together and bind us there, form a union of forever wrapped in a friendship bracelet. We all expect so much from those months away from school and books and problems that seem to carry so much drama. Maybe this year we finally got the postcard that said it all so clearly, we aren't menat to be one. We are the variables in a never ending scientific equation and knowing that E equals mc squared, won't get you any farther then the stars. We need our independence and we need our own complex lives to keep us busy. We aren't here to amuse each other or become closer or even stick together through it all. We are here because we are and we are friends because we both decided it was a good idea and when it comes to the point that one of us backs out, then our friendship will break and we'll take off our hand made pieces of what we called forever.
A picture is worth a thousand words and if you have ever seen the collages that I hang on my ceiling or the many photo albums that I have, then you'd know that I could talk to you forever.
Lets run away together. We don't have to stay there long or even leave our own homes. We can run away together in our thoughts and describe to each other everything that occurs. Have you never played make believe? We could go there and meet in our dreams if only I was able to take part in such. I'm afraid my only dreams are day-dazes that are fed by math equations and discussions of functions and their graphs. We could change the world. You can take the pictures and I'll place them together in the perfect sequence.
I want to be perfect so let me kiss your tears and drink in every word you sing because your words are beautiful and I could live off them forever. Your smile makes me dizzy and your words are like shooting stars in my insides. I hope you know what you do to me.
In hopes that I take my own advice, I leave you for frozen vegetables that come mixed in a bag and pasta that just needs to eb reheated. Who decided life should be easier for us? Sometimes I wish I could experience another century.
Goodnight.
