10:05 p.m. - 2004-08-08
This is because i'm sorry
When I was a baby I cried all the time. I was sick all the time too and I had that baby disease that actually causes crying for no reason at all. I guess I find that kind of amusing now because I think that was the last time I was most free to be myself. When you're an infant, you don't know about all the effort people have to put into caring for you and you don't think about how much you are tiring them out. You can't comprehend all the time people are wasting on you, but then you get a little older and you start to understand their words. You start to see teh hidden meanings of when they ask you to go away or find something to do or go play outside. You start to understand that a locked door doesn't mean bang your fists harder. Maybe I knew what was coming to me when I was a baby. Maybe we all do. Maybe that's why we cry so much then; because we can.
When I was little I used to be really quiet. I was very shy. I don't think I had much of a choice. I think the way I am has a lot to do with what I've been allowed to be. My sisters require a lot of attention, so I let them have it. I was always independent, but sometimes that's not enough. Sometimes you need to know someone cares, even if you are only 7. So, I used to play this game. It was always a way of disappointing myself really. I guess it became a comfort really. Anyways, I used to make myself cold. I'd do whatever I needed to. In the summer I would stand in front of the air conditioning and wait until my teeth were chattering and my arms were numb and in the winter I wouldn't wear a coat. Then i would find my mom and I would sit there and shiver and be freezing and I guess for a while this was entertaining; wondering when she would notice. Eventually my arms would start to hurt from the numbness or I'd just get tired of the game and go find a sweatshirt or a blanket. I somehow always found comfort in that. I guess I was a strange little kid, but I found relief in knowing that if something went wrong that I need to solve it myself. I still don't wear a coat in the winter and whenever I am sad I always wish I was cold. These games I played...maybe they were for my own benefit. I'm not sure, but I just think that maybe everything we need to survive in life we figure out when we're little. Maybe.
I wanted to apologize to you. I know I've been doing that a lot lately, but I think you deserve to know how bad I feel about what I did. You see, you needed me the most when I couldn't help. I guess I've been falling ever since then. I knew you needed me and finally I snapped out of my own daze and figured out what I had to do. I did need to let you fall..and I did, but I tried to do it lightly. I guess that didn't work. I hope you know how terrible I felt for having to do that to you and even moreso now that I know how it feels. So, not only was I not there when you needed me the most, but I contradicted myself; I confused you. I told you not to care and to worry about only yourself, but then when I did I got upset that you weren't there for me. I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have needed you. Then, I asked you to do what i knew you didn't want to.....I asked you to fix me..or actually, I asked you to break me so I could fix myself. I knew you didn't want to do that, but I made you and then I took it out on you because you were there and because I could I guess. I guess i wanted to prove that i was bulletproof and I guess I'm not, but I'm trying to fix it and I'm trying to make it so I don't need you because I think that me needing you will only hurt you. I know I lie a lot. I'm usually doing ti with your best interest in mind, even if you don't think it is. I am doing my best and yet, it's not good enough and you keep getting hurt. I'm sorry it was my fault and i'm sorry I confused you. I'm sorry I was confused too. I'm sorry I keep making all of these things so much about you. I just....I never wanted to be a bad friend and I could possibly have been the worst thing that happened to you. I'm sorry if you ever thought I didn't care. If anything, I always cared too much and tried to care less because me caring about people is asking for them to be hurt. I'm sorry you've wasted so much time with a broken person. I never thought I was broken until so many people told me how I needed to be fixed. I think that's maybe why i asked you to help me. I trusted you to tell me the truth. If it means anything, I always trusted you- even when I told you I didn't. I'm sorry if you ever regret being friends with me. I never will, because I think when it comes down to it, we're more alike then either of us would like to admit. I just wnat you to know that I'm gunna fix it and someday maybe I'll be able to make it up to you, but for rigth now I have to put myself back together. I used to be good at puzzles. Who knows what I'm good at anymore.
It's funny how things work out and you end up right back where you started. If the situation were different right now then i'd be crying, but they're not and I'm not and I'm just feeling a little sad that I may have wasted a lot of your time. Things are going to change and I'm going to be happy because there are very few people who are sad when they finish a puzzle. I'm one of those people. I always thought it was terrible, because once you finish the puzzle you never get that feeling of happiness back again and you never get to see that pretty picture the same way again, but if I'm a puzzle and I put myself together then.....I think I'll find a smile- even if it's just for everyone else. Maybe you're disappointed because this means I haven't changed, but that's because I haven't yet, but I will and hopefully I'll smile anyways because there will be a lot to look forward to and I won't be able to help it.
