12:57 a.m. - 2004-08-06
I blame myself for everything, it keeps my conscience clean.
Dear friend,
I think that maybe you want me to be sad. I�m not sure and I really hope you won�t get angry with me over this because I�m sure that you�ll deny it, but I think that maybe you should know. First of all, I�d like to thank you for all you did. Know that I am still working through it. I just found a better way of coping. I don�t want to need you. I don�t think that that will work out very well, but I think I want you to need me and I think that maybe you do need me. I�m not sure. You tend to tell me one thing and act a different way. You confuse me a lot. I always said I�d never walk away from you and I won�t, but sometimes I get confused and I pull back. This time is a bit different. You�ve cleared up some stuff for me and I�m pulling back anyways. I think maybe I�m not good at needing people unless they need to be needed. I think you need to be needed. I think that�s why I needed you before. There�s a chance that I�m wrong about all of this, but at the moment it doesn�t feel that way. I think that you liked how much I depended on you, but I hated it. I felt like I needed your permission to breath. It was very confusing. It hurt to do anything besides stay in bed. I think you might have liked it better that way. I don�t mean that in the way it sounds. I know that your heart is of gold and you want me to be happy, but I think you like feeling like you have power and I think when I depend on you that much it makes you feel needed and important. You are important and you are needed, but I don�t think I want to need anyone. I hope you understand that. I think people hurt me and they scare me and they make me feel really bad. So, I think you liked me better sad and I think that�s why you are sad again. I think it�s because I am happy. I am happy�because you told me that I should be and I�m going figure this all out, but I don�t want help and I want to help you. I know that seems like the farthest thing from mutual and it is, but I hope you understand. Because you told me to do what I need to do to make myself happy and this is it. I need to not trust people. Well, there are those few people that I have trusted too long to not continue trusting, but not many. I need to feel more like my own creation then someone else's and I don�t think you liked this letter very much and I bet you�re pretty upset right now, but if you need to talk and yell at me, then go ahead. I�ll understand. I�ll always be here for you. I just�I don�t want you to be here for me. You see, I always said the worst thing you could do was care about me. I guess it was true because it confused me and it hurt you and I don�t want you to waste your time and so I�m doing something about it. Some people are too far gone, but I can still save you. So, look at my smile and don�t be upset because you made it, but you still need to find your own smile.
You see, friend, it was highly unnerving to be told that your very best wasn�t good enough and you had to start over again. It�s terrifying and so much more, but wallowing will get me no where and I�d like to think that when I�m on my death bed and looking back that I won�t regret a single thing. I never want to say that I never tried my hardest and if that means redoing everything, then so be it, but I will do it with a smile. I won�t cry because life is too short to waste time worrying and crying. I am going to have fun and I am going to laugh and smile and be happy. I don�t need to lose hope because I keep a spare bottle of it under my bed for cases just like this. I guess I know that no matter how terrible everything gets, it�s up to me to pull myself out of it. I won�t sit around and wait for a knight in shining armor to rescue me from this life and I won�t wait for people to teach me life lessons. I like learning the hard way. I like getting all the scraped up knees and bruised limbs. I like the battle wounds and the stories that come with them. I hate feeling trapped and I hate feeling like I owe people anything. I won�t rely on you because I know that chances are when I need you the very most, you�ll need me more. My solution will always be to just not need you.
I hope you never think of me as a disappointment, because that would be terrible, probably the worst thing you could do actually. If you ever are thinking that it wasn�t worth it and that everything I put you through wasn�t worth it, then look back, or look at your wall, or look at a photo album. I hope you always think it�s worth it. I hope you are never disappointed and feel like we�re a waste because I never will. Never, ever.
I kind of hope you never figure out how much you mean to me. Or if you do, I hope you figure it out on your own. I think that if I tell you then it will be less special or less important. It seems like such a precious little secret right now. I think that if you have to find out then I�d prefer if you figure it out by yourself. It would be nice if you were in on the secret, but I�m no traitor. I won�t tell. It�s not difficult. Believe me when I say that telling you means I�ve come down with some disease they have no cure for and I�ll be dying any month now.
I�m sick of waiting around for the perfect words and the perfect moment and the perfect thing to happen. I�m sick of waiting for a perfect world. It won�t happen. I�ll be your friend, but I�ll hold grudges. I�ll be picky and I�ll be completely bonkers. I�ll mosh and skank and bebop until I�m so hyper and excited that my nerves start to ache and the blood in my veins will pulsate to the rhythm of the music. I�m going to wear my sunglasses when there is no sun and I�m going to throw salt over my left shoulder. I am going to tell you that your earrings are pretty and I am going to keep every book I buy. I am going to become closer with you and I am going to remember and I am going to dance. I am going to spin so fast that I can�t walk straight and I am going to laugh as hard as I possibly can when we spend hours trying to reach the top of the trees. I am going to talk and you are going to talk to me and we are going to smile for real because we have so many secrets that not even our smiles know how to hide from each other. I am going to love you from a far and I am going to admire you. I am going to boost you up on that pedestal and I am going to comfort you when you fall. I am going to run and run and run until I remember that I don�t like running very much because it�s boring and then I�ll walk. I am going to visit different countries and I am going to make friends in each of them. I�m going to hope that you always remember, but I am going to count on you to forget and I am going to find a way to sleep because I think I need that and I think that if I need something then I shouldn�t wait for other people to get it for me. I�m going to wait for you to confront me about all of this because I don�t think you will and because you are two different people. I�m probably not going to stick to this either, but at least I know I tried and at least I know that today was amazing and that there are few days as good as this and at least I know to try as hard as I can to hold on to this moment and enjoy it. I am going to catch fire flies and hold this little bug in my hand that is so amazing. I am going to go for a walk and arrive at a rock and lay down and watch heat lightening. I am going to pick out a favorite star and name it and I�ll wish as hard as I can on it, because I do believe that someday my wishes might come true....even if I don�t exactly trust my star to help me out on that. Wishing on stars isn�t all about the star doing the work; it�s about telling a potential best friend, something that doesn�t even exist anymore that this is what you want and you are going to find a way to get it. I'm going to do all of this because I can and because it's my choice and you told me I could. I don't need your permission, but you gave it anyways. I can do these things and I will.
It�s about falling in love with the concept of love and knowing that it is so close to impossible to ever get the complete truth. What�s truth? Who decides what fact is? Who decides? Who decides what is good and what is evil? To someone who has never known the difference, it is all the same. If the sky opened up and we all died and somehow a new population was to be born they would be born with no knowledge of what is good or evil and they would make that decision for themselves. To one who has never known anything, nothing is impossible. I�m not saying I believe in going around and killing your neighbor because he threw dirt at you when you were four, but I�m talking about what are protection of the general population and the protection of what should be a choice. Now, I�m not saying these are good or bad laws, but I am questioning why they are important to the country. Why are we required to wear seatbelts? Why are drugs illegal? Why is there a drinking age? Don�t these things only hurt us? How do these laws affect our government? Who decides what�s right and what�s wrong and what should be outlawed? Who decided that feeling good was a crime? I�m not saying I agree or disagree, but I�m asking you to think about what it is that you are putting your beliefs and faith and loyalty in. This isn�t treason. This is me asking for some answers. This is me questioning why people care. I�d ask you to answer, but I never have much luck with getting any response and so I won�t set myself up. Who decides? And who�s crazy? You don�t have to care , but I like to think about it. Or maybe I don�t like to think about it, but I do anyways.
I don�t want to hear about your letters. I want them sent or I want no excuses. I don�t want any �what if�s or �Maybe�s. I get them enough from myself and if you want to make up excuses then use them on yourself, because I will see through them. Don�t act superior to me because I will walk away and I will not think twice about it- well, that�s a lie, it would hurt me very much because I would probably believe it. I�m not going to lie to you anymore because although I think you want that, I don�t want to do it anymore. I don�t know how long I can hold your interest, but I doubt it�s long, so I�ll leave you with this: I will always be around, even if it�s only to let you down. I�m so right now. I�m so�I�m so forever. You are too. Pronouns never die.
�Up on the roof with the whole world at our feet...
Is this everything you thought it'd be?
What you waited for religiously,
just know I wouldn't hate you if you tried.
Old times make heroes out of fools,
now the whole thing misses me.
Right at the breaking point you knew,
this is the best you'd never be.�
-TGUK
Sincerely,
The place in your heart where�d you�d always go when the world was worse then you expected
