1:02 p.m. - 2004-07-29
It's all inside your head.
Everytime I write here I'm in a bad mood or I'm depressed or something is wrong or I just don't know what kind of mood I'm in. I just...I don't want to give the wrong impression. I'm usually happy. I just write about stuff that is bothering me more then stuff that makes me happy. When something makes me happy I'll go and tell the people that i think care, but when I'm depressed I write it here because then no one is forced to listen or read it. I guess i wanted to explain that because it seems like most of this diary was written about the same thing over and over again. It's always been more about people and emotions then events and situation. I guess because usually the events are similar and the people are changed, no matter who contradicting that may seem. My life is routined in a way that most of the things I do will be repeated - whether it be the next day, week, month, year, or decade, I don't know, but eventually it will be repeated. There are, of course, some situations that stick out, but mostly my life travels in circles and everytimne I get my hopes up that I'm in the clear, something gets messed up again. More often then not it has something to do with the explosive one. I try not to talk about her because in reality she controls so much of my life. People, on the other hand, are always changing and becoming better or worse or something. I talk too much about people and how the get under my skin, but I know if I tried to avoid them, then i'd sure me lonely.
Do you ever wonder why we all put on the act for each other? Don't you ever wonder why when you know you're falling apart, when you can feel yourself losing control and you know in seconds your feet are going to start to crumble underneath you, don't you ever wonder why you use up all your energy to fight back the tears and smile and say that you're "Fine, just a bit tired." There are always people who will tell you not to fact it and to depend on them, but they don't know, they don't understand. Telling them would be like killing yourself, you'd sink and you'd see no reason to get up again. You live to make sure you can. You are powerful. Every breath, every glance of the eye, it's yours. You are in charge of your own fate and every time you're about to fall, it's up to you to cover it up and make sure to avoid that patch of ice. Every time you take that deep breath, that big sigh, that little bit of fresh air, every time you make an excuse to leave the table or say you'll go and buy the flowers yourself- it's an escape. What are you escaping? The world, your friends, family, responsibility, or even.....yourself? It will never happen. No matter how far you run, your worst enemy is just a step behind you.....or in front of you depending on the time of day. How do you escape your shadow? Turn off all the lights and shut the shades and hide in a corner? Not even then. You haven't escaped it, you've become it. You can't run from yourself. You are powerful. So powerful. Now, big up your glasses and your car keys and walk out the front door. Can you even remember how to drive? Your hands are shaking and your thinking of all those people, all those eyes. Did they notice? Can they tell that's it's taking all my energy to just keep from collapsing and crying and screaming? Do they know? Then it happens, a neighbor, a friendly face, appears and they look at you and bid you a good morning and then, there it is, they ask how you are and you can see the concern in their eyes and suddenly you know they all know. You know they are just waiting for you to snap. So you reply "Oh, I'm fine. Just a bit tired." There's that smile again and a hope for a good night's rest and off the friendly face goes. You've won this time. The same excuse as always. Maybe insomniacs have it easier then others. Maybe our excuses are just second nature. Maybe, but then you're just making more excuses. Next time it will be the same thing. You are always fine. You are so powerful. I will keep reminding you this because it's what you want. You're tricking them all- even if you know you haven't tricked even one. I guess we could keep playing this game of cat and mouse and I could keep chasing you into corners, but really it's pathetic and I could save us some time by telling you right here and now. You are going to lose. You will eventually die. You think you're too stubborn and it will prolong it, but eventually you'll go and everyone will know that you are human and some people will even cry and you will be buried...in the ground and your body will be alone until it rots. There is a strategically placed mirror in this room and I can see your face at this revelation. You seem scared...oh no, never scared. there's that smile again. I know you better. you are scared and you are perplexed it seems. Don't worry. I'm sure you'll figure it out when you get there. You will never beat me. You can't. You are me.
See how much effort is put into pretending? What's it all for? I don't know. I don't understand it, so i make it what I want. I am my own expert on elaborate excuses. Remember, don't feel bad for me, I want to live this way.
Now, if you don't mind, the explosive-one is home again and she has brought home a lovely pack of delinquents with her and soon the caring-one and oblivious-one will appear from both sides of the house to inspect them. Me? I'm going to my room because I'd prefer not to be noticed and I'm going to sleep because I'd prefer to not hear about how the explosive-one's time was in court today and I'd rather not watch as the clone developes. I'd rather sleep and hide in my silence because then they will think I'm at a friend's house and I won't have to make an appearance until after 10 o'clock tonight and my day will feel worthwhile because it may have been lonely, but I only have myself to blame.
Have a nice day. I hope you smile and I hope your heart beats and I hope you don't think it has anything to do with your emotions besides that it pumps blood to your body, which allows you to think up these creative emotions that really are....all inside your head.
