10:45 p.m. - 2004-07-30
Never worry about me.
I think I'm just stick of hearing what a terrible person I am and how I'm going to be exactly like my sister. I'm not her. I'm not like her at all. I would never let myself be her and even if I wanted to be her, I couldn't because I'm the furthest thing from her. I'm sick of hearing what a terrible person I am and how I should help more and have a better attitude and be happier. I'm sick of hearing how my insomnia is such a problem and how it's frustrating. It's frustrating for me too. I never asked them to care. I never asked to matter to them. If they want to forget me then they can. I do the best I can and I try as much as I can. I'm sick of them telling me this year will be my downfall. If it will be then just let me figure it out on my own or if it bothers them that much why don't they try to help me instead of just predicting it and then waiting for it to happen? They're mad at me for being sad, but they cause the sadness and even if they didn't depression and mental disorders run on both sides of my family. I'm not asking for pity or for any more of an easier time then anyone else, but if it bothers them so much then they should either forget it and leave me alone or help me do something about it. They say they want to help and make everything easier, but they're only driving me more insane. It gets to the point where I take meds. just to numb the day and get through it with the help of apathy. This is such bullshit. No one needs to hear it and I shouldn't even bother, but.....just know....I'm doing it because I trust you and right now I need you. I know you have problems too and if I ignore them please just tell me because I'm sorry I'm so preoccupied, but I can handle almost anything, but I was so far down already and now it feels like they're all kicking me while I'm down. There's never time to figure it out, but they know it all anyways. They're oblivious. Just know I'm sorry I have to depend on you so much and know that I meant it when I said I never want you to ever have to worry about me. Don't ever because no matter how bad it gets, it will never be bad enough for that.
