10:59 p.m. - 2013-08-31
the constant shuffle
Never tell anyone anything, that's what they say. Holden said it makes you feel lousy and lonely and who needs that? I want to know how to stop thinking though. That's where I get in trouble because I start thinking and it's like I'm telling myself the same stories over and over and they just get me down. I mean, I don't want to keep agonizing over how much I have loved and how much I hate now. You know? Who needs that? We all have those people in our lives, the people that we will love forever, but somehow hate for even longer than that. We all have those people, so why do I have to torture myself over it? Who teaches these lessons in letting go?
And then I start thinking about all of the losses, all of the heartbreaks, all the tiny hearts and warm paws that used to make it ok again. The hugs and the looks. You know the look, the look that says "I completely understand, life is hard, stay here with me and I will protect you." But that's gone now. They always knew. They always understood.
And now I just get really down and it doesn't help that I'm in this big apartment all alone and I torture myself watching TV shows about college and high school that bring me right back there. All the firsts, all the lasts. So what I'm saying is, you can't escape it, you can't run away from it because it doesn't exist in a specific place, really. It follows me because I am the one torturing myself. I'm the problem here. So how do I fix that?
The work is fine. The people are all addicted to one thing or another, but I like it. It keeps me busy, keeps me thinking, keeps time moving. It's always a matter of discussion of abuse and use and my main goal is always to keep them breathing, but that's not the focus for them. They just want to stop hurting, stop feeling altogether. I can't solve those kind of problems.
I don't even care about my own current attachments. In fact, I prefer it this way because the bitterness has really hardened me, but it is such a problem to be around other people because they want it to be a problem. There is no nice way to say i don't want your help, I don't want your kindness, I don't want your pity. There's just no nice way to say that. And on top of that, I sure as hell hate this awkward game of musical chairs. But then I have to ask myself, is it better to not go or to go and play the game and always end up without a chair? Jury is still out on that.
On the other hand, maybe some of my favorite people are the caretakers I leave behind. And if that's the case, it's better for all of us if I complete this quest and find the fountain of youth or whatever it is I am looking for and bring it home with me. All I know is, he called me baby and said they would see me again soon and that was a good feeling because I've never been his baby.
I don't have the answers I'm looking for and I sure as hell don't expect to find them in an online diary, but sometimes it's better to scribble nonsense here than to say it out loud to someone else, no matter how much I trust them. There's a reason we tell secrets in the dark, it's so we can pretend we didn't say them; we can pretend the wind carried them in through the open window and whispered them in only each others ears. The thing is, we're old now and instead of wind, we have glasses half full of tequila and headaches that match our heartaches. I'm not sure I notice much of a difference though. I'll never tell if you won't.
