11:38 p.m. - 2009-04-11
never gunna give you up?
am I disappearing? fading away? letting go? what do you call this? what do we call this crazy need to need people? and what do we call it whens it when it goes away.
I am tired, exhausted even, as I wait for easter morning to come closer and wait to hear from Matt.
Sunrise service at 6:30 and then what? What does tomorrow mean? Sure it means a lot to those of us with God in our hearts, but I'm sure when I factor in the dysfunction of my family, I can be just like everyone else, right?
We try so hard to be like everyone else, to blend in, to be neutral and not make waves, but some of us look terrible with our hair up in high, tight ponytails and awful in neutral colors and we fall into the water before testing it. I'm tired of the dance, I just want to lay down among the sunflowers, feel the sun on my face, and count my blessings, breathing out the disappointments of the day with each repeating deep breath.
Who will be your best friend next? Who will be the back stabber, the enemy? Who do we get to call names and throw rocks at? And when is it my turn? Who am I this time? Mom, best friend, arch enemy? You tell me. I'm not writing this story anymore.
The real joke is that if this was open, they would all assume it;s about them without ever guessing it is about her.
Sweet chemicals. I sleep.
