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10:26 p.m. - 2008-04-07
I don't know what I'm talking about
I don't know when i stopped living for the past, but I'm glad I did. I don't want to be that person. i don't want to be my uncle. I don't want to be my sister, my mother, my best friend, my worst enemy. I love them all, but I would never want to be them. there simply is no reason. So what if I said that right now I'm gunna live for now? Would you believe me? You should. I try to be honest, to the best of my ability and when I'm not it's not on purpose, but merely because my contradictions feel like truth at the time.

I will advocate for independence until I turn blue in the face. Sometimes I struggle over whether or not I just am lying to myself or not, but I'm confident that even if I were falling apart, I could pick myself up without assistance and without any expectation for help. It might suck really badly, but I could do it. And that is something that I am privileged to have.

Stef and I dance to her music while we get ready in the morning and watch law and order while I struggle through chem labs. It's not that this is terribly exciting, but the ordinary is good enough for me. I'm really okay with being nothing special, unmemorable, even.

Ditch my lecture to watch the boys play soccer? It's gorgeous out. really gorgeous. And I finally sent a letter. I don't even care if I get a response or if we never talk again because I started to doubt whether we ever really talked at all. Trust is so big for me and if I am willing to stand up for someone and trust them wholeheartedly, it means something to me and it should say something.

I just want to dance. and drink. and wear flip flops. and love life all the time, because i try, but sometimes i really don't like life very much. But I still got up at 5:30 in the morning to sign up for an appointment to schedule my classes and I still dissected the animals I was assigned in lab and when Philosophy was cancelled, I enjoyed the sunshine, but it wasn't just that.

When I came home from school in December, I was so moody. I felt like I made this huge sacrifice to come here for this program, but that was really stupid and selfish of me. This place owes me nothing. I will only get out of this what I put into it and I'm not going to wait for that. I hope that makes sense. It probably doesn't. Additionally, I feel really self absorbed because all I write about is myself. So lame!

What's wrong with another unity song, buddy? Aint nothin' wrong with another unity song! Except that maybe we're not so unified.

The spring has my spirits up, but I'm curious if I'll stay up. I think i'm afraid of being like my sister because I'm always up and down, but that is stupid because no one loves life all the time....and I would never be abusive.

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