Get your ow
n diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

11:01 p.m. - 2008-03-20
My head is so heavy...
Enjoyable day. It was nice to just be friends and that be it and to enjoy each other's company in an entirely mutual even playing field sort of way.

So much more confusion with cops and suicide watch and buses and Carolinas and hey, I bought cigarettes for the first time. I said I'd never do that.

I don't feel like dealing with it, so I'm trying not to, but for some reason it's hard to not be home this time. It's hard to find people to be out all night with.

I think I'd ride public transit forever if I had to make the decision right now. Headphones in and I guess I'm alone, but look at all the people around me. It makes me feel safe and like I'm part of something. And even the screeching of the pain inducing stop is a comfort.

I got thinking about my "favorites" on the mellow cd. 2008 is so wacky already. And favorites are hard for me, but I had a lot of time to read and think and listen to music. I basically did a full analysis. I loved Australia, Radio Campaign, I don't want to get over you, Night Windows, The Circle Game, Passionate Kisses, and Song against sex the best. I genuinely like them all, but I find I listen to these ones the most. I think I'll just stay here and drink is wonderful and mostly perfect, but I find I typically skip it because it takes so long to get started and the silence literally taunts me. I love asleep on a sunbeam too, but I know it so well and it seems so familiar that I don't feel like I have to or even want to listen to it over and over and over again. It's the type of friend that drops by in the summer and we catch up, and I wouldn't mind if I listened to it all the time, but I'm fine with the promise and understanding of every summer. O Mary Don't you weep makes me feel bad if I'm feeling bad, which doesn't make sense, but it does. To me at least. The Circle Game is just the most perfect description of life that I am addicted to it and I can't seem to get sick of it. Passionate Kisses makes me hopeful, which is an emotion that I love. I don't want to get over you makes me think of all those lovely wonderful alternative romantic things that should happen more often then they do, but if they did, they wouldn't be as wonderful. It's like my equivalent of a "wall" mixed with the high fidelity approach of just being too tired to leave. Is that what love is?

There's so much more. I just listened to it over and over again, but I have to go to work now.

I'm always afraid of reaching the point where I "need people and I try convincing myself that if I tell myself I don't need that person, then I actually don't, but I'm thinking that i might just be lying to myself a lot. How do i stop needing everyone? I don't know. But I don't know if it would be all that great if I did know.

previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!