12:01 a.m. - 2008-02-24
Admit fear. Always.
Sometimes a mild case of the molly ringwalds is all I need to get myself into motion and to convince myself that I need to start living, even if it's just me and I'm doing this alone. I miss coffeehouses where we can sit for hours and order a couple of cups and just spend hours talking. It used to be where all of my most important conversations would happen. I could just figure so much out at a simple round table- always the same one. I find that when the year is broken, however, the conversations are hard, the words won't come and when they do, they don't mean anything, do they? I don't want to let go. I can't. I'm just not ready to and I would like to think I never will be. I keep replaying these conversations in my head. He loves you the same and it goes without saying and it's okay and this is great. But. Always an exception. Always. Sometimes I think we're getting more and more similar. But only sometimes. When we're not falling apart, we're fusing together. Either way, it's incredibly difficult to give something meaning that seemingly has little to none. Hush little baby, don't say a word, momma's gunna buy you a mockingbird. I keep having this dream where the city eats me alive and takes advantage and all i can do is feel blessed because it allows me to find out that I am destroying myself from the inside out. It's a very strange dream and all i can say is that it makes me feel so relieved and alive and very very blessed." I like to be gone most of the time and you like to be home most of the time." I need to be outside. I miss outside. I have a need for sunshine and beach and woods and grass everywhere and bare-feet. This cold is cruel, not kind, and no one wants to play and make snow angels and snowball fights. They're all so concerned with growing up that they've forgotten to enjoy the right now and enjoy the right, the privilege, the absolute need to resist growing up.
But I don't need them to be with me on this. But please, please don't let go. not yet. not ever.
