Get your ow
n diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

9:26 p.m. - 2008-02-16
Running low
I use this thing too much now. I don't know why. the thought of writing my thoughts down would make them seem too real. If I put them here, well, then I'm just like everyone else, whining to friends, yet still pretending it is their choice whether or not to read it.
Sometimes it makes me feel special. It makes me feel like I'm someone to someone. I miss it when it's gone.
Despite that I feel low, in spirits, energy, motivation, and purpose.
She told me that I don't get panic attacks, but that i have anxiety...sometimes. She didn't seem to think i have that either and said that the doctors don't know what they're talking about. If that's true, then what is it? What is it that gets to me? It was very condescending and i simply retreated. She didn't want to talk about it, but then she kept pushing. It was one of those conversations that made me feel like I don't deserve to have conversations at all, or at least not opinions.
I had a dream last night where Beth and Brian came to visit me for some strange reason and they decided to surprise me. They didn't realize the visitation restraints of my school, so as I called up my friends that are guys trying to find a place for Brian to stay, Beth got angry and decided they would stay at a friend's place in Cohasset and they would be back to visit in the morning. It didn't make any sense.
Sometimes I wonder why I am here. But I need to learn true independence. I need to be able to be here. And, I'm not one for quitting, usually.
I feel like I should give up on the internet because it makes it too easy. I should stop writing here and stop going on instant messenger and stop doing this, whatever this is. But, I don't want to leave them. That's not fair either. And like I said, sometimes it makes me feel special.
I'll never be the one to tell someone everything and I guess it is only reasonable to accept that no one will ever tell me everything either.
It's still hard to eat and drink and I'm tired. I don't really feel like trying tonight. So what do I do? Do I disappear?

How many entries can I have in only a few days?

previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!