7:03 p.m. - 2008-01-21
It will keep you honest.
What's today? the 21st? MLKJ day. God bless. It's always the odd numbered days when i feel extra strange. they're roller-coaster days. I get so high and alive and fall so quickly into dizziness.
that;s all this is. I'm dizzy. I'm really unsure of how to back it better. it's that metal-y blood taste that happens sometimes. I have that going on.
I don't understand really.
I keep thinking of sunflowers and trying to define dandelions. I keep trying to be a part of things, but then I just....stop. Or maybe I don't.
Everyone was slacking this weekend i guess.
We used to be really good at the whole friend thing. I mean, we wrote each other emails even when we were in high school and then we switched to letters and then all of a sudden, I guess we just...stopped? I don't know. I tried writing. She called it unnecessary, but it felt necessary.
I worry too much and when I tell them, they brush it off.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all about being silly, but on my turns, not theirs.
On the other hand, I have loved today. And I have not felt this alive in a long time. It's the type of independence that is shown in movies and it seems like no big deal, but it is. It takes so much courage to drag yourself out into the world even if no one else is with you.
I talked about sunflowers at one point because they're my favorite, but I'm not sure it made sense. I don't know. Suddenly, I don't feel like writing so much as actually having a real conversation or just laying down and watching a movie- maybe with people. maybe alone. i don't know.
I keep having this dream where it's raining really hard and i'm sitting outside of your house and i won't knock on the door or call or anything and i just sit there, getting soaked and completely lost in the drops hitting the pavement and when your brother asks if you know i'm there i just say no and look away. when you come out, you just sit there next to me and somehow you know without me telling you what is wrong. Would you know what is wrong in that situation? I don't know either. But somehow I keep ending up in that dream and waking up really confused, but slightly more complicated. Ha. I meant to say comforted it. Freudian slip? Shrug. Maybe I meant it. Maybe I didn't. Who knows.
Here's the thing, I'm gunna live forever and if I push myself a little further each day, then soon I will be soaring past these little problems.
I can't let anything go, but I can get stronger and drag it all with me.
