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9:42 a.m. - 2008-01-19
feeling the strings being cut. freedom?
I got a call yesterday from my mother. She was upset, worried about my sister. She's a worrier, so this is fairly typical. One of my sister's close friends had called and left her a message saying that she was incredibly grateful for their friendship, but unfortunately they would probably never see each other again. Turns out that the girl had gotten in a fight with her mother and her mother beat her so badly that she could barely walk. DSS came and removed the girl from the home.
I don't know any words that make that feeling go away or make anything better. And I don't understand how it is even possible to do things like that. I simply cannot comprehend it. But this is nothing new. I stand by that I know a lot of nothing.

I stand on the bridge n the edge of the bluff looking out over a million blurred lights signifying life, movement, the city and I breathe deeply watching the smoke-like exhales float out and up towards all of the over pollution. I am just another place holder. It's okay however, because that is not what this feeling is about. The wind is chilled, but not too cold. It awakes me up, but not out of this trance. I put my arms up and my hair screams forward, towards the city, towards life. I just sit there with the wind propelling me over the bridge and being so caught up in that thought that who else had done this? Who else has been here? WHo else has had nights like this when watching the cars on the highway is in place of a human connection. The hills roll out and the monongahela rushes forward and it feels a little bit better. When things happen, we can't just pout, a certain level of acceptance is needed and it feels a lot like giving up, but it's really closer to opening yourself to possibility.That's just the Bluff, however. In Chicago, they're all congregating on North Avenue Beach with deep dish pizza and some cigarettes, listening to bands that will be next on the top of the charts and being nice to each other. genuinely nice because just because gravity is bringing about half of them down, the other half have the cure. In Boston, they're rebelling, mostly against everything because they're angry, mostly about everything. But god, you gutta love that "first snow of the year." And in California, they're wearing "hoodies," not sweatshirts or even hooded sweatshirts, but "hoodies" with holes already in place for your thumbs and they are sitting against the beach wall and writing messages in the sand because they wish "you" were here, but they have no idea who "you" are. And in pennsylvania, they're watching movies on a saturday morning and eating Capn' Crunch. But everywhere, someone has to know that this feeling isn't eternal, but it's fairly spread out. I'd say most of the country observes it, sorta like one of those holidays that no one really knows the origin, but we're just happy that it's a day off school and a paid day off work. So, let's drive and we'll observe this day for miles, until we've experienced it through every time-zone and maybe even all of the states. You can smoke and I'll just breathe deeply, exhaling all the bullshit and maybe we'll stop somewhere down south at a coffee shop that stay open most of the night and is run by a family and produces friendly waitresses like they're part of the order.
I want to see the world. Now.


I have been trying for a while to put together the right kind of "sleepy sunday" cd. And it never works out because i never put the effort into it. It has to be the type of music i would listen to on sundays after church when I'm cleaning up and the sun is leaking in through the blinds like it used to when I was little. At home we would open up all the windows and it would smell like so many kinds of cleaner, but it was okay. And my dad would sing along with his version of sunday music. I could never do it. I can't find that sunshine leaking through half open blinds and the backdoor wide open music. Butttt, I think the mellow cd is perfect for it. Today is actually saturday, but I'm opening the window anyway and it's supposed to snow, but maybe I'll have some sun too and I set up my cd player and I love this moment. Sunday music on a saturday.

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