7:30 p.m. - 2007-12-02
so so sorry
Literate and stylish
kissable and quiet.....
insides hurt from coughing. something on the inside that wants out. i am my own prison. I can't speak, but I can write and somehow that seems to help. because we can never speak of this aside from correspondence. Cowardice. That's me. Never open, rarely honest and even those who I can always talk to about anything, well, i just don't have the words. I just don't know what it is. I just know that it's something on the inside and it's broken, it just doesn't work. I'm going crazy. Voices and contradiction and pure hatred for myself. I do not know how to fix this.
And I can't speak. There are no words. Do you understand? that's why i keep saying the same thing over and over again. Insanity is repeating oneself and expecting different results. But if I don't expect different results then isn't that the ultimate and final stage of pessimism?
The campus is gorgeous with ice sculptures and twinkle lights and the horse drawn carriages were breath taking. The halls of the dorms look so cheery and everyone seems somehow nicer, happier, more grown up.
At the beginning of the semester, one of my professors said that we would not recognize ourselves once it got to be Thanksgiving Break. He said that until then we were still High School Seniors who happened to be away at camp or something. Not until Thanksgiving would we be in college and then we would no longer know ourselves. We would be nothing more than a mystery - to ourselves and our homes.
In other words, you're always seventeen in your hometown.
I had to kill my frog babies tonight and I was caught between throwing up and crying. I considered both, but ended up doing neither. I was indescribably saddened by it however.
I would like to write letters and send them to your hearts because once i send it out, I don't have to worry about regretting it. it is out of my control. Like my email, which I regretted after. But I haven't. I want to, but I just don't have the words. I hope you, as in vous, understand.
I've been speaking other languages for years now. Turning myself invisible from lack of communication. Even if I tried to talk, would you notice I was saying a lot of nothing?
Missing you in silence now.
