11:22 p.m. - 2007-12-01
so obsessed im becoming a bore
vuibwrbvrbwvbrkbicantstandanythingicantbreatheorseeorfeelorh
earorlistenorliveorbreatheormoveiamstuckhereandicantgetoutso
meonemightgethurtanditwillprobablybemebecauseigettooattach
edandmisspeopletoomuchanddostupidthingsandhavepanicattack
sandputsoooooomuchenergyintobeinghereandeverywhereandica
ntevenbehereidontwanttobeanywhereitdoesntevenmakesenseimn
otmakingsenseicantsitstillormoveoranythinghowdoimakethismea
ningfulormakesensemaybeidontimnotsureifindmyelfstuckinmyhe
adandmissingeveryonewhenimnotsurethatismutualioveranalyzee
verythingdowntoeachindividualminuteuntiliamsurethatihavebeen
dreamingitalbecausepeoplecantbethiscrualoutsideofnightmaresa
ndthesadpartisthatitsallinmyheadbutpeoplereallyarethatcruelwha
tisntitmutualeverwhydopeoplealwaysleavewhyisitsohardtowritewi
thoutpunctuationwhenthinkingwithoutitissoeasywhendothequest
ionsstopwhendoesthemedicinebecomenecessarywhendoesitallsta
rttomakesensewhendoesthesnowstartwhendoestheplaneleavean
dwhowillbetherewhowillevencarewhowillstillbetherefiveyearsfrom
nowandihatewhenpeoplesaynottolookthatfaraheadbutyouknoww
hatifuckingwilllookthatfaraheadbecauseitsmyfutureandbecausei
wantthemallinitbutijustdontknowhowmanyofthemwillbeinitbutift
heyarentitwillbebecausetheydontwanttoidontleavefriendsorfamily
orpeopletheyleavemeitisnoimpressivefeatofwhoiamstillfriendwith
itonlytakestwowillingpeopletoremainfriendsanditonlytakesoneun
willingfriendtostopbeingfriendshowdoiexplainthatijustwanttoslee
pisthatanxietyordepressionorjustbeingoverwhelmedidontknowifi
ndmyselfwantingtoalwaysbesleepingtolockmyselfinmyroomandn
otanswerthephoneorgohangoutwithfriendsandthenigetmadwhen
noonenoticesortriestocontactmeitsahugecontradictioniamahugec
ontradictionandidontknowwhywhatiswrongwithmemaybeishould
gobackonthevaliumbuthowwouldidothatwhencouldidothattheres
notimetheresneveranytimeidonthavetokilltimeitwillkillitselfsidew
aysglanesatthesidewalkandiwantedtogoforarunbutitsrainingoutfr
eezingrainandimnotgoingtochurchtomorrowandthatmakesmesad
butthereisjusttoomuchtodoandiamtooinvolvedinmystateorhomea
ndmindandallplacesinbetweenhowdoichangetheworldhowdoisave
theworldhowdoichangeonelifehowdoiimpactonepersonhowdoima
keadifferencewellrightnowisimplydontrightnowijustsitheavyheart
edandfeeldownandconfusedandupsetbecauseicantfixmyselfbeca
useifeelextraordinarilyaloneandbecauseijustdontknowhowtosaya
nythingthisisthemostopenanentryhaseverbeenimeanitsnotevenlo
ckedimainethatsecretsoutintheopenhahaihidtheminnonsensetho
ughihidtheminnonstoplettersandmostpeoplereilliterateanywayan
deveniftheycanreadtheycertainlydontanddontwanttoandnoonewa
ntstoreadaboutsomeoneelseslifeeverokaythatsalieireallydoliketo
helppeopleandhearabouttheirlivesbutnotiftheydontwanttotellmed
opeopleevenwanttotalktomethisisfuckingridiculousandthisiswhy
whenicantthinkofanyoneelsetohateihatemyselfandwhenitcomesto
thattimeireallyreallyfuckinghatemyselfandthinkiamthefuckingsli
moftheearthandcantimaginewhyanyonewouldeverwanttotalktome
orlistentomeorevenassociatewithmeandireallycantunderstandwhy
theyrefriendswithmeanditmakesmesofuckingangrywithlifeandijus
tdontknowwhattodosoijustdontdoanythingandnowiguessishould
putonsomefuckingchristmascarolstotryandmakemyselffeelbetter
anddosomehomeworksoidontfailoutofcollegealthoughrightnowth
atseemsappropriatebecausetheslimoftheearthdoesntdeservetobe
educated.bebvwebyuberwbvuerbveveqhrug9ehgeuqrbnvueiqnbvi
eqberbeqbuewbuwereiuwpb
