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8:50 p.m. - 2006-10-09
The ticking tock has me locked in these glanes at the clock
It's not supposed to be a lesson, or logical, or even...anything. It's not supposed to be something anyone can use against anyone else. Naivete isn't supposed to be negative. And kindness shouldn't imply innocence. And people should have enough humility to do an act because it should be done, not simply because they are told to.
I will never love you. My heart will never be your home. And I will never ever stop showing these people the same respect that I think everyone should be capable of exhibiting. I won't sink.
I can't vocalize why this bitterness has taken me over. I can't express properly how caught up I am in self consciousness and fear and angst and overall anxiety. I'd call this a panic attack, but it feels much bigger and much more emotional. I am truly angry. Angry. With the inability of people to be considerate. And I am holding them responsible for not thinking before they act. And I am holding them even more responsible for holding this against me, because I do tend to think before I speak. I do the things I do with who it will affect in mind, not who told me to do it, or how it affects me. being unfair will only hold me in silent rebellion.
And maybe that is what this is: a silent rebellion.
I want to drive. I want to just keep going until I run out of gas and gas money. Not because I want to run away from my problems, but because I've run out of problems that I can't deal with. It's teh little things that get me upset and have me in little breakdowns, not the big things. The big things I handle because there is no other way, but the little things get under my skin and have be crawling with discontent.

I'm trapped in my head, in my body, in my ruined soul, and I want out. No excuses apply here. No applications of a ruined past are good enough. Eyes are too heavy, friendships too weak, and I'm tired of no one knowing what to say. I want the movies and I guess I'm just being really selfish.

That's all this is; it's a selfish request from the need, to be needed.

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