10:41 a.m. - 2006-08-01
downdowndown
Down. Not moody. Sorta sad? Maybe just disappointed. Maybe....I don't know. Tired of circles. No more energy left to spend. Nothing left to give. Robotic. Not so lovely. Boring. That just makes everything awkward. Low self esteem makes everything awkward.
I can't control anxiety. I can't control when my thoughts jump either. Driving past destinations one, two, three times. Ah ah ah. I play through these scenes in my head and they're never about the present. They're either going to happen or have happened. I hate the ones that have happened because I pick through every flaw and highlight where I went wrong, what I should have said. Punishment for not being perfect? low self esteem? worst critic? I don't know.
The situations that haven't happened yet are no better because the way that I want myself to act and talk and the thinsg that i say...well, I would never say them or act like that and I would never really want myself to. This alter personality is not me and she is just a pain. She's got me down.
And that's why I can't always listen. Sometimes I'm too ....distracted by the motion pictures running through my head.
The spinning never stops.
if you told me she had mental breakdown on speed dial, I'd believe you. It's not that i think she does it on purpose, it's just unavoidable and it always will be and I hate it and the circles drive me crazy. Let's write our names in circles, because they are never ending and I never want to see the end of us.
Can you see us losing touch? Any of us? I can. With some people. With most people. There are a few that I'm not willing to lose. We've grown up. When the hell did that happen? When did we stop calling each other up for playdates? When did our mothers stop driving us around and telling us not to talk to strangers and to be polite to our friends' families? when did we become responsible? and when did our fates start lying in our own hands? when did we become the ones who had the power to build up or let down hope? and most importantly, how do we make it stop?
It sounds like I ripped that off from meredith, but it was truly unintentional and I didn't realize it until now.
We've faded. Grown apart. We've realized we can continue to grow and progress and live perfectly well....without one another. And that is what we are doing. I'm caught. I want to be three places at once, three impossible places at once; the past, present, and future. Live for today?
What's your favoirte color? I'll give you a crayon. Please, just..color me back into your heart? Connect the dots to form a picture perfect feeling of comfort and belonging?
And please don't let go. because I'm not going to. I'm not ready to yet. Reaching. Gripping. Holding on. Forever? no. but right now. right now has to be good enough. and when the moon is perfect and the weather is nice, but the beach is slightly chilly. Remember. and don't be sad because of all the waves which run back to the sea away from you, look to all the new fresh ones coming in. It's not as lonely as you think in this life. It's written in the stars and in our history.
is this summer bliss? staying out late unless I'm just too tired? I never used to need sleep. My immune system did, but I didn't. now it's coming home early and sleeping and waking up early and working and then running away with sunshine into the night.
What do you regret about high school?
What do you wish you did differently?
I think I'll be disappointed if you say nothing at all and leave it like that. Explanations are needed sometimes.
I'm addicted to hugs. I hug at least one person everyday. It's usually my mother. But I love hugs.
Laying down on sidewalks in the scorching sun. Heat crawls up my back, across my skin. and here it is, don't know whether to stay here alone or find someone who understands. maybe both. you can have both. the sunlight connects in a direct line to the sidewalk, which ends abruptly...two feet from me. sideways glances at the sidewalk. This is how I know. I know that if I where walking, there would at least be a constant in my life. The deep bompbompbomp sounds of each shoe as it hits. There's a story on that sidewalk. A million souls bearing their souls. Nothing gets out of line. One foot in front of the other. Just don't tell father. If he knew we were harboring hostiities, he'd have kittens, and there's no room for any more animals. He'd hate them out of principle. Sooner or later, we'd all hate each other out of pricinple. And then we'd all fade away.
just like that. one, two, three. ah ah ah.
