11:42 a.m. - 2006-07-12
I don't know how to fix this.
"So, you're what? straightedge?"
"Nah. I'm my own edge."
S'true. I make and break my own rules.
We're all afraid she's gunna lose it while we're gone. That's what the trips 45 minutes north are about. that's what the crying and fits are about. That's why there's no more work. That's why ...well, that's why we're all on edge. Because what if something does happen? The appeal to a 6 hour train ride away is that I have to fix my own problems, but I can still come home, but it goes both ways. She has to fix her own problems too.
Heidi says it's at the very least subconscious. A reaction to my decision. A reaction to my action. This doesn't seem balanced to me. Then again, I am a stranger to equilibrium.
It makes me sad. not moody. Not complainy. Not even depressed, but sad. And so I won't discuss it further and I won't ask for help, because what can be done? I will just be sad about it and put it in the back of my mind until i can move on from it. I'll simply cross my fingers and throw salt over my left shoulder. I'll drink tea and I won't come home until early morning.
With so many people in this world with millions of reasons to complain, you'd think that I would stop being so selfish. I'm trying. End complaining sadness?
