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11:36 p.m. - 2006-06-29
My heart is hollow....
I'm still that little girl catching firflies, swinging all alone on warm summer nights. Jean jackets, long jeans, flipflops, and flower petals all over the yard, dragging my feet in the grass as I swing back and forth. I'm not really here. I'm million of miles away. I'm five years ago, taking night time walks witha friend, holding hands because we're afraid of the dark or maybe just afraid of what the dark hides. We dance in the moonlight and sit on the rock and tell each other stories that make us laugh, but... we're still afraid. I'm afraid of what is happening. These circles.... I can't do this alone. I feel hollow. I'm certain if you held your ear to my heart, you'd hear the ocean. I'm just empty inside, there's nothing keeping me rooted. Where do I belong? Who do i belong to? I mean that...not in a possessive way, but in the way that we all sort of belong to each other in the form of love. I'm afraid to leave, and even more afraid to stay, but fear is something I am well aquainted with and I know how to brush it off my shoulders and just...push forwrad into the deep water.
I don't want to do this alone, and I don't want to tell anyone and I don't want to be scared and I don't want to feel so isolated and I don't want to fuse any more connections, because I'm tired of being left and I'm tired of being let down. I just want to...exist and to do instead of just talking. I want to take action and be grateful and live like this is all there is, because it could be. And I want to laugh. I want to be teh kind of friend I've always wanted....and well, maybe I'll get that friend some day. I want Doug and Pamela, Dawson and Joey, or even Scarlet and Haley. They don't exist, that's the thing....they just..don't exist.
People get older and they change their minds and they leave each other, they grow apart. I don't want to celebrate something that upset me. I don't even want to pretend that I'm okay anymore. i just want to fade away. I just want everyone to let go.....but I don't really.
I think maybe I just want to see who will still care when i'm sitting here trying to comfort myself, crying. I'm confused. And I can't get out of my head. I'm a siren. I will ruin everyone in time. Don't catch my disease. I think i'm going to stop getting out of bed except for work.... The internet is depressing.

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