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1:08 p.m. - 2006-03-17
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And that's what we were taught dady doesn't cry and love falls from the ceiling, who appropriate. it's raining. but the weather is hopeful- sunny, but piercing cold. We try not to mourn. We try not to rush into the world too unprepared. We try to answer our phones all the time and be prepared all the time and be kind to one another but sometimes it's a bad day and sometimes we can't handle it. and sometimes I yell, because I don't have control over it and I don't mean to snap at them, but I do. she thinks I hate her. I don't. They think I hate her. I don't. I don't know the true meaning of hatred. Calling for backup. Who do you call. not ghostbusters. And my favorite line is "She thinks all her friends are angels, but they die when they hit teh ground. she is more alone, then anyone I have known...." I don't know why i love it. but I feel like I understand it. I think my friends are all angels too. I'm just not sure how many are just hanging from telephone wires though and how many are soaring because that's what spirits do. my eyeliner smudges. and my mascara runs. but i'm not crying. I'm just working. I'm just trying to stay calm. to keep focused. feeding off stress. driving too fast, but not fast enough. They're always right there. they're always making a fuss over nothing. this summer has to eb beautiful. it has to be wonderful. it has to be a reason to love everything and everyone more. and it has to be real. sometimes there's that dawson and joey thing going on, but i can't figure out who's the pacey. maybe we don't all have paceys and dawsons and maybe we don't all go to school together. in fact, we don't. but it makes me heart sad. but, I wrapped it in bubble wrap, so it's secure for the journey. it's your heart, i suggest you take it with you she says that. does she mean it? I don't trust me. so I don't know. The winter has been disappointing. Not much snow. no snowdays. no snowball fights. the season has been cancelled. and I get the feeling it's a sign of growing up. that's what they call playing pretend when you turn seventeen. That's what they call it when you have to be responsible, not only for your own actions, but others, and jobs, and school, and you have to make these life altering choices that break hearts. and they all tell, all of them, to follow your own heart, but the thing is, I need those people telling me that they think I can do it. because I don't think I can.... I wish people knew I wan't too busy for them. That i still cared. that i still want teh best for them. And that i refuse to give up on them. because I believe in them....even if it's not mutual. because as much as mutuality is important, it seems trivial in comparison to faith. And faith in the human race is faltering, btu it has to stay alive, because without faith, we are truly doomed. So says the existentialist. we're the kids in America. Don't fight the merry go round. Live the roller coaster. and don't get lost in the crowd. The ferris wheel isn't for everyone, because not everyone lets to get high. heights are scary sometimes. And don't settle for being a passenger in teh bumper cars. because you have to take control yourself. you need to get into the trouble and get yourself out. you'll bounce right back. And remember to have fun. Because even in playing pretend, growing up, and being responsible, the amusement park is really for anyone who is open to experiences. And that's what she learned and said and wrote. Believe it or not, it has nothing to do with murder, just daddy's who didn't cry and love that fell from the ceiling.
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