9:32 p.m. - 2005-12-28
Burying hugs that never existed. miraged loneliness.
Let's forget this ever happened?
Defining finite situations. This does in fact come to an end. And soon.
Don't fall apart on my door step because I'm an inch away from that spot myself. And don't worry because worry is useless and wasteful and things like these. Interest paid before it's do. You wouldn't do it on your car, your bills, your insurance. Don't do it to me.
I won't forget that face you made when I disagreed. Disappointment. Discontinuation. Dis...no no no, dysfunctional.
Give it up, give it up, don't forget what happened in High School. But let it go.
How to explain blocking out the past and not understanding the future? trapped in the moment. Tied down in a little town with dirty water and smoggy air. If the pollution doesn't kill me, the drama will.
oh how droll and dramatic, I collapse to the couch, twirling my hair around my finger. The TV on, but my face turned from it. I'm not bored, but you must admit that this is getting drab.
"I don't have to admit anything. Just...remove yourself from the situation."
"what if it's something I can't just walk away from?"
"then you'll spend your life living for other people. "
"stop being afraid to say no. and your fucking mascara is running."
"fucking mascara? ohhh. slutty makeup, my favorite." Playful. Bantering. Judgemental? Mental? Tired. Always. My jaw hurts. Too tired to chew.
"It's all fucking perspective! I don't have fucking problems!"
"You're always so angry."
" so cold and distant."
"So different. What happened to the little girl i used to know?"
"You favor him to me. Maybe you don't recognize it, but you do."
growing up. That's what they call it when everything gets bigger. Your height, weight, clothes, shoes, and your problems.
"I don't have problems. I have lessons."
"You're a lunatic. You just happen to have a good coping mechanism."
"What makes me a lunatic? Just because I used to be able to laugh when i felt like crying? Laughing is healthy. It said so in one of those health magazines."
"You're not healthy."
No. I'm falling apart. But I'd rather try. I'd rather wake up, well, no, I'd rather sleep and then wake up when I can't sleep anymore. I'd rather face whatever is hidden under the rug, whatever is thrown my way and thrown out the window. I'd rather make the worst mistakes, then never have even tried.
I'd rather go the extra mile and do the right things right, but no one said you can't take little breaks along the way.
I'll be the first to admit that it's my fault every time I leave, but no one ever follows, so...I don't know what that means. I guess it means that I have an open door into a circle that is becoming increasingly chilly. What else can be expected with so many open doors.
Start caring. Or maybe we should stop?
Stop the war. Balance it out. create opposition. The opposite of war isn't peace, it's creation!
Create a formula for unconditional love, bottle it and sell it on the war front.
Love potion romance.
Did I mention I'm exhausted with unrequited love and unstable friendships? Perhaps we're the wrong sort of elements to mix, our bonding isn't quite the covalent type. Well, I've got news. I'm not interested in ionics. Mutuality.
Don't insult me by saying I haven't been there. Don't insult me with lies. The truth will hurt enough, thanks.
And believe it or not, this wasn't to you. There were no pronouns here worth mentioning. Sometimes the world just needs a tip on how to handle someone like me. Someone who won't accept that "life isn't fair" without a fight.
maybe it's not fair, but that doesn't mean we can't be.
Our worlds are going to collide and if I don't see you then, well, then you're avoiding me.
sweet dreams.
