12:35 p.m. - 2005-11-28
I will not submit to mediocrity.
Communication. It's dying. We just...don't want to know ourselves or each other anymore. We hide. A big secret. It's a guarentee on our independence.
It's a waste, though. Easier, perhaps. But it's not supposed to be easy. If everything were easy, it would never seem rewarding.
The revolution is simple. Start feeling again. Start being an individual for more of a reason. Maybe it's a proclamtion for solitude, but it's certainly not depressing. We have our reasons. Mine are that I don't want to waste any more time on pretending to be okay with this. I don't want the fake connection that comes included. I want to make my own. I want it to be my fault if I'm happy or not. So maybe I'm stubborn. Yes, I am. But I want more then waiting until the airport to tell someone how much they mean to me. That's fear. That's waiting until it's too late.
I want the image of the girl with the headphones to be more than an image.
I skipped school today, sitting around trying to work on my English project, which I've been thinking about all weekend. It required that I think about my ambitions, the capacity for evil in every person and how guilt affects us. It's a process that I haven't fully accepted, because I simply don't want to spend forever anyalzing. Analyze don't summarize is the moto assigned to us this year and while that's suitable for Brit Lit and the motives of characters who were written with motives, characters are not people. Analyzing isn't enough. The replacements aren't enough. The filler isn't enough. Oliver Twist was certainly far from happy when he got the short straw and had to ask for more, but just look what he got. If you refuse to accept less then what you want, then less fails to be an option. I'm sure the other orphans couldn't say they were as lucky.
I'm obviously still here. I'm obviously still typing, slowly, full of mistakes, trying to portray something that doesn't have a definition, but it's not the same. I don't want the surprise ruined. I don't want easy. I don't want to be told what I am missing out on and I want to make my on impressions before asking for others'.
There's a comfort in solitude that I don't seem to be explaining well, but I figured it out this weekend. There's the comfort of independence and knowing yourself, because that's the person who at the end of the day, it's important that you do trust. We can't wait around to be saved. We have to save ourselves. And if you're lucky and refuse to think you're anything less than invincible, which is the attitude I have taken on, then it becomes the truth. There is no other option. We have to survive because there is nothing else. We simply...deal with it and then it's okay.
This is simply cold turkey abandonment: a lesson in snowflake solitude.
