4:14 p.m. - 2005-08-03
I want to tell them all, they're killing me. They're erasing me.
I keep writing about the season because I guess i wish that explained how insecurities hang in the air, because it's too thick for them to fall to my feet as usual, but the season isn't to be blamed. I write about the same topics incessantly. Friendships, people changing, emotions that are up and down, the good times, the bad times, the emotions behind it all. Don't write about emotions, he says this to me, to us all really, but to me on a warm night in the spring. The emotions should shine through the writing. But I can't write, so I guess he isn't really talking to me.
Footsteps and panicing and loud music on repeat. Understanding isn't all of it. Understanding is nothing. Listening is less, in this situation only. Why is there never anyone who running to feels all right?
I walk the street because I want the consistency of feeling something hard beneath my feet. If and when I fall, it will hurt, I will get scrapes, and I will bleed. Think before stereotyping me. I don't sing on the stereo. I am not a genre, I am not a column, I am not a brand, and I'm barely even here at all. But that's just an excuse...and it's also a plea.
There are no good reasons for this feeling, but I guess I don't need reasons. Lonely on the outside like coffee alone and postcards with no return address. And there's white noise. I'm hearing static and laughing behind music and laughing and voices. Can they help me breathe? Can you help me breathe? I don't know when I changed, but now cigarette smoke smells like summer and I don't even walk away. I just don't care. It's not that I want to belong, because I don't care about that, but I want to disappear. I want to sink into sweatshirts and mattresses and hugging arms and just..be gone. Not to die, but just to be everywhere at once, to feel free. Is that how the wind feels? is that how you feel?
It makes me feel safe.
That's what I have to remember. That's what I have to hold on to. I have to hold on to these summer days, because they're so beautiful and so warm and they hug me into feeling safe. And I don't know how, but somehow that became very very important.
