12:01 p.m. - 2005-05-22
I believe in you so much
It's not that you left, it's how you did it. it's not what you said, but how you said it. Instant gratification takes far too much time and instant is just a modern and complimentary term for just below satisfactory, but good enough. Good enough. A compromise. Settling. What for? Too busy changing to tell time, but in case you're wondering time doesn't want to hear it anyways. You can lose all your money and there's a good chance you can get it all back if you work hard enough. You can lose all your time too and when that happens, well, you can't get it back. When it's gone, it all is and so are you. There's a story that old woman who wanted to teach their daughters a lesson used to tell. The moral was marry for love because love may speed time up, but it's worth it all for the rush. Old woman do not tell that to their daughters anymore.
Friends walk on their way to who knows where and who cares. It doesn't matter and that's lovely. Stopping for warmth is the form of a drink, well, isn't that poetic. Perhaps. Let's make a pact and there it is. Always together. always forever. Text book, modern version of forever leaves much to be desired, but we all swear to it because there's nothing else that even sounds sincere and we waste so much time worrying about how we sound and act and feel instead of just being how we are. Analyzing every moment, movement, syllable. But in a moment and in that pact, there is a guarenteed smile whenever one is needed and a hug when shivers race up the spine. It may mean nothing, but there's always conversation and that at least stands for something. And standing for nothing means falling for everything and that's simply too excruciating. The thought of being trapped here forever gives me the same chills. perhaps it's why I shiver. Being trapped in one spot forever, well, I wouldn't dare even pretend that appealed to me. Caged hummingbirds have nothing to do but fly into their boundaries repeatedly. Get free or die trying. Eighteen and out. A whispered promise. A hushed wish that saying out loud may jinx. Well, maybe it will, but more importantly it will hurt and cause pain and that's not worth it. Oh no, not at all. Stop changing I tell the man in the moon. He doesn't listen. Always disappearing and then coming back. He doesn't understand that changing is what killed us all. We're dead to each other. Or at least pretending. The pieces to the puzzle don't fit together and then we sulk and find comfort in the border. Puzzles are slight downers anyways. Spend hours, weeks, months on something- just to see a result; a beautiful result and then after about 5 minutes of pride and admiration, it all comes crumbling apart and that's that. I used to do a lot of puzzles at my grandmother's house at night after it got too late to play outside and she'd always have these ladies come over and play cards and sometimes they'd come and talk to me and help me. I had a system. Separate the border from the middle. Border first and then the middle. Sally, one of the ladies, said that was cheating. I still don't understand why. I would spend a long time sparating them and putting the border together and she would come over and mix them all up and tell me to start again. It always made me angry, but it was disrespectful to do anything about it. So I started again her way. No one should ever say you're doing a puzzle the wrong way. There isn't a wrong way really. I'm not fragile. I'll bend and get over it. Getting away with murder..without commiting it. I'm not playing these games with other people. Mapping friendships through changes. Right turn. Left turn. There's no set path, but....that's for the best right?
Trying so very hard to stay hopeful.
