10:44 p.m. - 2004-12-20
redundance
Dear friend,
Sometimes I wish you knew what you were talking about because if you did then everything we knew would be a lot more enjoyable.
Today was perfect. It snowed and it was gray, but it was the perfect shade of gray. It was the shade of gray that would have been white if we lived in Vermont or somewhere more northern.
I wish you understood me more because a lot of the time you don�t understand and you don�t appear to want to and I wish I could do something about that, but I won�t.
I know this is choppy, but that�s how the thoughts are appearing and I�m pretty sure you always appreciated honesty, or at least that�s why I always gave it to you.
Every night after nine o�clock, I tiptoe around the house. I�m usually the only one awake and home at this point and the silence is the house is greater then me, so I don�t disturb it, or at least I try not to. That�s why I tiptoe, but with you, I think I�ve been tiptoeing for quite a long time now.
When I think back in time, there have been so many people who have tried to tell me how to live, but none of them were as far off as you were and you were the only one I expected to come even close. Sometimes I listened because I thought you had my best interest in mind and maybe you did, but I ended up more muddled then ever and then I think I finally realized what I had to do.
I guess I owe you in a way. When there�s only one person to depend on, a lot becomes clearer and it works out nicely. I know a little better where I stand and I think I know how to get by. I seem to be doing okay. More importantly, you seem to be okay as well. I was beginning to think that said something about friendships, but then I stopped thinking before I let it get to me. I can control that now. Aren�t you proud? I bet you wouldn�t be.
You�ve always been one with a more dramatic streak in you and I guess it sort of kept us together. I can see through it and not many others can. It was like a joke, a secret, an us against the world sort of thing. It wasn�t. It was you being you and me thinking that meant I was part of it. I�m glad I figured it out. I�m glad this really had nothing to do with either of us, although I think the strain has definitely damaged what was there. I blame myself. It would be a lot easier on both of us, if you blamed me as well.
I feel like doing something drastic and I know you�d be in for it, but honestly it takes a lot of bread to toast the town and I don�t think that�s going to happen. What do you feel like doing? We could wreck havoc on the world or paint them pictures of grief as an act of bestowing them with gratitude, or better yet, we could write down all of our thoughts and ideas and place them in a structure that could easily be understood by everyone; we could write a novel together about what we�ve been through and what we see ahead of us. We could make thousands! Millions even�..by telling them what they already know. What do you say? Are you in?
Oh, you need to dream more. You need to have an imagination. I�m the wisher and a lot of my wishes actually come true. I think that might have a lot to do with that I won�t stop wishing until the do come true, but that is beside the point. I�m not the dreamer, but you are. I�m the wisher and a lot of my wishes actually come true. I think that might have a lot to do with that I won�t stop wishing until the do come true, but that is beside the point. I�m not the dreamer, but you are. You have all these dreams that you keep locked up in your head. You�re wasting them and wasting away with them.
I heard a story the other day about these two kids and it made me smile because little kids are among the best people and they don�t know how not to be. They know everything they�ll ever need to know. We all did once, but then, we left it behind. I think we took all of our innocence and goodness and locked it in our favorite childhood toy and that is where it is now.
You knew that showing me the door didn�t mean I actually went anywhere. I�m outside somewhere, but you never showed me which window to throw rocks at, so I went for a walk. It�s so pretty outside and I�m almost not sure that I want to go back. I bet the door is open now or maybe not, but I�m not willing to go and look. I guess you�ll have to come find me. I don�t think you will. I don�t think either of us got left behind, we just got busy. See what busy work does?
When the end of the world comes, I want to be alone with my shadow and my CD player and be smiling and listening to some really happy music and I want to feel good about what is going to happen, because everything is so amazingly beautiful and the more I tell myself that, the more I want to have proof and I don�t need proof, I know it�s there, or at least I will when it gets to that point.
I�m not quite sure where I am right now, but I have a sneaky suspicion that I�m not really supposed to be here. I feel like I cheated to get ahead and I shouldn�t have. Is that why I don�t belong? I don�t know. I was never let in on the secret. I wish I had been. I�ll figure it out in time.
I think that�s all for tonight, friend.
Sweet dreams,
The balance beam
