7:28 p.m. - 2004-12-15
A flower for every day of the year
Tonight's song:
"i can't let you be
cause your beauty won't allow me
wrapped in white sheets
like an angel from a bedtime story
shut out what they say
cause your friends are fucked up anyway
and when they come around
somehow they feel up and you feel down
when we were kids
we hated things our parents did
we listened low
to casey kasem's radio show
that's when friends were nice
to think of them just makes you feel nice
the smell of grass in spring
and october leaves cover everything
have you forgotten how to love yourself?
i can't believe all the good things that you do for me
sat back in a chair
like a princess from a faraway place
nobody's nice
when you're older your heart turns to ice
and shut out what they say
they're too dumb to mean it anyway
when we were kids
we hated things our sisters did
backyard summer pools
and christmases were beautiful
and the sentiment
of coloured mirrored ornaments
and the open drapes
look out on frozen farmhouse landscapes
have you forgotten how to love yourself?"
"Have you forgotten" - Red House Painters
Dear Guardian angels,
Tonight I feel the most like me that I have in a long time. I'm feeling no need to impress and no loyalties to any certain crowd. I am who I am and I go where I'm wanted.
I'm sick of attempted nightmares; tired of being haunted. I know you want someone who doesn't have to ask what's wrong and I know that you'd prefer I not sit here and ask if I can help. You'd rather I keep quiet and figure out a way on my own and do it. I can't do that. "I'm sorry." "I won't do it again." "I'll fix it." These are the words I write down and say, but really I'm screaming, that whatever I did, I meant it all at somepoint during that day. I only listen to every fourth word of what you say, because I know the games you play and I know everything you're going to say. I see it in your eyes, you can't disguise what was never there to begin with. Time is passing and I feel so old. Not really. I'm just playing around. I'll be playing until I'm 92 because that's the age I'll become old- like you. I hate the way you crack your back and say your neck is out.....you must mean like the style? I won't sit and weave you tales of how I sit in parks and ponder my youth. I don't. That's stupid. I love your sighs of mocking frustration and I love your simplistic solutions to every problem. It almost makes me want to complain, because I know you'll always have the picture perfect solution. I can't save the world and I certainly can't save you, but I'm hoping to make a difference, but doesn't everyone? You say no. I say I'll never believe that, because the point is that everyone should want that. It's cold inside, 50 you say? Oh no, no, no, 50 below.
Bedtime stories and goodnight kisses are not a fable and tea bag collections are quaint and make for a nice warmth to add to conversation.
We've been best friends for centuries and yet I just heard your first word.
"Sunflowers," you say and I listen intently. I expected more from you, but you wouldn't grace me with an elaboration. What do you mean? I call you dandelion because they remind me of all the nice things in the world, just like you.
You spoke that word the first time I met you, but I'm just hearing it now.
I don't know if you've ever witnessed the beauty of the sunflower, but it is certainly there. Dandelions may remind me of all the nice things in the world, but sunflowers remind me of all the beautiful things in the world. The sunflower tilts in the direction of the sun and looks for the bright side of everything. I could only pray to angels to be as beautiful as a sunflower, for it is only true beauty that allows one to see the sun in the darkest of times. I call you dandelion because you remind me of what is nice. In my prayers, I refer to you as sunflowers, because I know that whoever answers my prayers will see you as such.
What was the first word I ever said? I mean, What was the first meaningful thing I ever said you to. I bet it hasn't happened yet.
Every morning I wake up and I lay in bed with my eyes closed because I know that when I open them I'll be crushed to discover there is no sun.
It's a shame about roses. They never last. I love white roses. They remind me of the good in winter. Frost-touched roses being held. White roses should always be held, they should never be in a vase. They should be enjoyed until the end. They stand for unity and loyalty and love that is stronger then death. White roses are also the anticipation of happiness. The anticipation of an event is usually better then the event itself.
Someday I will make for you the ugliest bouquet there ever will be and it will consist of a white rose, a dandelion, and ten sunflowers. That would never be ugly to me. That would be love, that would be understanding, that would be forever.
I wonder where the sun hits America first every morning. Someday I want to wake up there. I will drive for days, or at least hours and sleep there and when I wake up, the sun will be so bright and make me so warm and I will lay there with my eyes closed- not because I fear disappointment, but because I am under the spell of a million sunflowers and it is only instict to take a mental photograph of such power. Flash. That can never be forgotten.
This year will lay buried in words and one day I will too, but we're not there yet. We're here. We are everywhere.
There are so many things to see in this world and I would see them all if I could. I hope that when the day comes, my hearing goes before my sight, because there are too many beauties in this world to ignore.
You threaten my life and I threaten our friendship and neither of us will ever do anything about either. We don't have to kill time, it will kill itself and we don't have to kill each other, because time will kill us first.
I'm sick of conversations that are no more then shooting stars that keep going right past you. Open your eyes. You're missing out. One day I will connect the stars and you will finally see the picture, but not today. Today is the day that we all kiss our loves goodbye and see if they come back to us.
I never send my hopes up in hot air, because I know the temperature is below 20 in here and it will only get colder.
Don't cover my eyes. This time it's not because I don't trust you, but it is because there are too many things I might miss out on seeing.
For every time I've lied to you, I should give you a lily, because they are similar in the way that neither is as independent as they seem. Lilies need restrictions and a lot of care and all of my lies have needed stories and care to keep me from killing them. Lilies are so pretty and most of my lies have been there for the better. I don't lie about important stuff or anything you ask me not to.
I'm floating on clouds and you are talking of trees and these trees are really shrubs and these shrubs are really seeds and the farthest I'll get from here is the two feet I'll need to lift my foot to move and sit on top of the shrubery you make me discuss.
I dream in advertisements because I don't like television and jingles haunt me for every commercialized dream I know you're dying to tell me.
Understanding should come free with razors or something equally as subliminal, but it never will. Understanding is the most expensive item you will ever purchase, for it recquires the study of the art of humiliation and compassion. There's a test. There are needles and spiders and every other fear that you keep hidden in that filing closest in your cranium. I'll tell anyone my greatest fears for there are few. I am afraid of dying, but only if I die before I ever do anything to make a difference. I am afraid of never making a difference. I am afraid of not being needed and I am afraid of discovering that everything I ever knew was just a dream I created out of the depth of my imagination. Those are my greatest fears. Well, those are my fears that really only revolve around me. I have a million fears that involve everyone else, but if I stated them, then I may end up giving up more then I am willing to risk.
I get worried when you start to seem so much older then you are and I wish that you would come and play with me because the snow may be around forever, but you won't and right now won't and this moment will only last as long as it's definition- 60 seconds.
Please don't take for granted the gifts you have to give because I know you have a lot of them and I swear you'll find it worth your while.
I want to make someone else smile this Christmas and I think that you and I could do that together. Let's paint the world the colors of a smile and sing the songs of happiness and pray that it lasts a while.
Sweet dreams, for you make me very very happy.
sincerely,
The smile catcher
