4:06 p.m. - 2004-12-10
I can't hear you; I'm dancing.
I wrote this last night and I'm posting it today. This means It doesn't all apply anymore, but I don't care.
Today made me tired.
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I don't understand all these foreign langauges.
I'm running low on sugar and i'm running high on sleep. No motion is needed to create an earthquake. I can sit here and watch it explode. Inserting all the perfect head tilts at all the perfect times.
I'm running low on Christmas spirit and this Sunday is the 12th.
The music isn't playing, but my heart has picked up a rhythm that has me dancing, but I'm the only one. I'm the only one who can hear it and sometimes it's louder then you. I can't hear you; I'm dancing.
I really love dancing and I love singing along with Rilo Kiley.
There are too many things to drag me down. I refuse to hold on. Roller coasters are only fun because of the risk; the adventure. Every moment is a hands up-screaming at the top of your lungs- heart racing- stomache jumping- leaving the seat- seeing the ground- about to crash- and BANG! You're at the top of the world again.
Am I headed down again? What's it to you? What's it to me? I'll figure it out when I'm there.
Writer's block means you're my new headache. Forgetting means I'll smile when I remember later and you, well, you mean I'll surely be upset later, but I really think you're a neat person.
All the pronouns in the world, in my diary, in my mind, in my heart, they all stand for something.
Two winters ago, I was having a terrible time. I could hardly ever sleep and I never felt like doing my hair and I used to wear my pajamas straight through days at a time. One night, I was so sick of it and I cried and I cried a lot and I don't cry and no one was home. So, I danced because I could hear the music that wasn't there. I had a contest with myself to see who could eat the most popsicles and get the worst brainfreeze. Once my mouth went numb, I could have...hmmm...I think it was 5 in a minute and a half. I started shivering and I gave up and I lay down on the kitchen floor, shivering in my tank top and flannel pants and I listened. The music was so loud then.
Someone has to know that sound. That beat that covers your ears and makes them so impossible to function. Reading lips is not my strong point. If it's important, write it down. I can't hear you; I'm dancing.
There are too many languages flying around my head and everytime I think I can pick it up, someone changes every word to something else. There are no more "Hello"'s in America. We've replaced them all with "Olleh"'s Yes, that is pronounced "O-lah" Similar to "Hola". There are no more "bye"'s in America. We replaced them all with "Eyb"'s, which, when said in teenage slang, sounds very similar to "y'ep".
We slink along the hallways and I hold on and drag my hand because I want to know that something out there is solid. Something won't fall apart. Those walls hold me up, or maybe I pretend like I hold them up. If I wasn't there, would they fall? Of course not, but I wouldn't be there to care, so as far as I'm concerned, I am holding up those walls.
I'm dividing portions for foxes. The only problem is that I have made up each fox. I named them all and pet them each on the head three times. Three times because one wasn't enough and today I don't like even numbers. I'm not supposed to make them mine. They aren't mine. The foxes do not belong to me. I ruined them.
There are a million rooms and all of them are filled to couches and each one has a special spot that I can sink into to. Turn the kaleidoscope and you'll see a million more. Isn't it funny how a simple trick with mirrors and everything is more then it began with? There are two couches where there is a special spot where I can fall in and sink into something more comfortable then cushion.
I don't remember how I got home today. Probably because I'm not home. I'm more then home. I'm at nana's. I'm in time and space and past and present and future and spinning and spinning and comfort and warmth and hugs and home. I don't remember how I got here. I think I walked. I don't remember my walk, but I remember the sky. It was stoney colored and it looked cold. Sometimes I wish I could hug some warmth into the sky, because sometimes it just looks so cold.
It's 8 o'clock and it feels like it's been years since my alarm clock was screaming. I'm not a time-teller. I can't even remember the date. I can't remember you either.
Sometimes I like listening to the Christmas lights. In my mind they are throbbing with Christmas spirit and I just can't help not listening. I would dance to their music if my heart wasn't so loud. I can't hear you; I'm dancing.
People come in and out of my life and usually not back in again. I try to teach them something while they're with me, but I don't know why. I don't deserve to tell them anything. They deserve the freedom of learning it, but have you ever noticed the closeness that comes with teaching someone something? Maybe it's me, but I always remember when someone teaches me something I find important. In any case, I shouldn't do it, but I probably will anyways.
There are certain people, that when they aren't smiling, the world seems gray and everyone seems far away. I wish those people were always happy. Not because I am selfish and want the world to always feel close, because that will never happen, but because these are usually the people that do the most for so many other people and I wish I could repay them- even if it isn't for me.
My nana's friend gave me an immense compliment the other day. She said "You know, I'm so proud of you. If I had been able to have a daughter, I wish she would have been just like you." She was never able to have children because of problems with her stomache. She would have made an amazing mother.
I'm suddenly really sad.
I hate when I don't get responses. Really. It makes the whole conversation seem pointless and then I wish I hadn't started it or taken part in it and then I feel like I could have done something worthwhile with that time and I'll never have it back.
Numbers are everywhere, but none of them add up. I tried to divide them, but somethings just can't be separated. Some things are just stuck together and can't be pulled apart.
Running on sleep and not sugar could really have a negative affect on a lot of things. A lot of the time I get to school or home or anywhere and I tell myself that I'm not going to talk to anyone because I don't need them and such, but I think I lie. I like people. I like talking to them. I love dancing with them and I love feeling needed. If it comes to a point where they constantly make me feel bad then I don't need them and I don't need a best friend.
I'm sick of writing about friendships. Sometimes it just doesn't seem very important. I used to write about family a lot too, and that doesn't even seem important. Obviously they are, but I just....got tired of saying the same thing. I don't feel like I belong here. That's fine. I don't like standing still. I don't plan on being here forever, but I wish I knew where I did belong.
I dislike quite a few people right now.
I just spent a really long time being taught math via internet. To me, this means that the world will soon be ruled by computers and someday we may even be overtaken by machines that we created. Why don't we stop while we're ahead?
I'm driving myself insane. Or maybe I'm already there. I think Rilo Kiley is still singing, but I don't remember putting them on. I can't hear; I'm dancing.
It is time for me to go. The night stops being fun at 8 o'clock.
Love always,
Another pathetic teen wasting away and whining to cyberspace
