9:43 a.m. - 2004-11-07
\"What if no one's watching\"
"If my life were a movie
there would be a sunset
and the camera would pan away
but the sky is just a little sister
tagging along behind the buildings
trying to imitate their grey
the little boys are breaking bottles
along the sidewalk
the big boys, too
the girls are hanging out at the candy store
pumping quarters into the phone
'cause they don't want to go home
and I think,
what if no one's watching
what it when we're dead, we're just dead
what if it's just us down here
what if god ain't looking down
what if he's looking up instead
if my life were a movie
I would light a cigarette
and the smoke would curl around my face
everything I do would be interesting
I'd play the good guy
in every scene
but I always feel I have to
take a stand
and there's always someone on hand
to hate me for standing there
I always feel I have to open my mouth
and every time I do
I offend someone
somewhere
but what
what if no one's watching
what if when we're dead, we're just dead
what if there's no time to lose
what if there's things we gotta do
things that need to be said
you know I can't apologize
for everything I know
I mean you don't have to agree with me
but once you get me going
you better just let me go
we have to be able to criticize
what we love
say what we have to say
'cause if you're not trying to make something better
as far as I can tell
you're just in the way
I mean what
what if no one's watching
what if when we're dead
we're just dead
what if it's just us down here
what if god is just an idea
someone put in your head
I mean what
what if no one's watching
what if no one's watching..."
I mean, if no one's watching, then what are we doing all of this for anyways? Because it's right? Because we think we should? Because it's what we were taught?
"if my life were a movie..." Yeah, well, sometimes I think it is. Sometimes I can predict down to the last microscopic detail what is going to happen and sometimes there's so much drama and we drag everything out until I'm almost sure that we're being filmed. Sometimes something really big will happen and I'll learn something that seems so cinematic and spin around and look at all the possible camera angles and all the possibilities of what will go wrong next. Pessimism is for movie characters who aren't fully developed and need to be saved, or to do some saving. Every day can be a movie. I wake up and go to sleep to music every day and night and when I walk down the street my headphones scream some hidden message that's sure to have some connection to the day. The soundtrack was easy to pick, because I didn't pick it. That's the best part of movies, when you watch them you don't have to think about who thought up each crisis and how they decided what to do about them. You don't think about who's behind the scenes, you think about the characters. It's all about pick up lines, and back stabbing best friends, and school days that are endless because you can't find the words to speak what's on your mind. It's family that's abusive, but somehow they always work it out within a designated time and always having someone that you can run to through the backyard - through a short cut, of course. Sometimes, I think my life is a movie because if the town had a poetry reading where people sat around and drank fancy named cups of coffe and the lights were turned down low and smoke filled the air, then I think I'd know a lot of people that would go there. It seems that drama runs a-plenty these days and starting fights has come back in style along with the words "fag" and "gay". We all think we're growing up and becoming so damn mature, but how mature are these games of cat and mouse? How cinematic is unrequited love and where, oh where, has my Romeo gone? Perhaps he's hiding with Little Bo Peep, because she's clever and has blonde curls and is very good at rhyming. How movie-esque are superheroes, because the world is filled with them. Superhumans who don't need anyone and don't have emotions, because they don't let themselves are in surplus right now. All hail, oh wait, how do you break hearts, if you don't know what one is? Place that stoney smile back where it belongs and maybe someday, someone will mistake it for happiness. Maybe. Maybe I do live a movie, or maybe I mistake it for such because I've spent so much time is nursing homes, hospitals, and mental health clinics that I could write a book and the first three chapters could only describe the smell, color, and people who live there. I say live there, because that's how it is. You can tell by their faces that once these people leave this buidling, they shut off and everything is robotic- programmed. The only place that they're really alive is in these buildings for this hour a week that they have penciled in for hearing someone tell them that they need to take control. There are always tissues in these places. Always and they are always right next to your chair before the first tear falls. I guess that maybe it all seems like it's in a movie, because we base movies off of our own lives, but I'm pretty sure I'll always think it's the other way around and no one can really prove that I'm wrong.
Bundle up, because it's cold out and we have to walk anyways and I don't know about you, but I'm already sick. Don't worry though, when you come crawling to me, I'll be sure to be busy, but I'll smile for you anyways. I know it's kind of late, but maybe we could use a little coffee break. If that's alright by you, then meet be at the corner by 11 and I'll bring a piece of paper and a pen so I can document every word you say, because who knows how long it will be before I even want to talk to you again. This is all a mirror, see you in the looking glass, put on your makeup and brush your hair. You're so beautiful when you smile, haven't seen that in a while.
