11:20 a.m. - 2004-10-02
Crash sites keep me up at night
I wrote this in math class yesterday, because writing is all the class is good for.
"Imagine there's no heaven" - John Lennon
This world of technology and repeating decimals is a bore. The trouble makers entertain us with their antics and we still manage to judge them for their refusal to conform and submit to the embaressment and self degration of normality. We are not robots and scientific notation may simplify the problem, but it's not an answer and it is out of our grip- too hard for our dream-driven minds to grasp. We can't all unite ourselves and try to bond into one. We are not a group; a club; a society. We make these things up, but it is not what we are. We are individuals who come together to blame what we can't explain on the things that we have tricked ourselves into believing that we can control. We control nothing. If anything, we are the controlled and we are the variables in constant equations. We are coordinates on an undefined graph. Do whatever you can to prove them wrong. They're judging you and have been since you were born into this world, maybe you should finally teach them what it's like to be someone's experiment.
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That's when the period ended.
My mom is worried about me and it is almost irritating. I know it's just because she cares, but, she keeps asking me if I'm sad and it seems like such a pointless question. I mean, even if I am sad, I can't talk to her about it, so it seems stupid for her to ask. She says I've changed. She's right about that. I have. I don't care. I'm tired. That's my excuse. I'm just tired. I'm always just tired. I'm not hiding it from her, but if she can't figure it out, then I'm not going to help her do so. The same for everyone else. I never give anyone much credit for being observant, but that's two people who have asked me if I'm alright within 24 hours.
I hung out with Janine and Sasha last night and that was fun. I wish we could have stayed longer at the beach though because that was amazing. Next time, we're gunna swim. Next time, I'll have sandals.
I don't like how I'm pushing the people closest to me away. I'm not used to it and I don't seem to be able to stop myself. I'm finding it hard to trust anyone, with the exception of Laura and well, I've known her forever, so I would trust her with anything. It just seems like, not so much that I'm lying- because I don't mean to do it- but, I'm not letting myself be less then fine and it feels like it's not real, but at the same time, everything seems too intense to be real. It's not something you can place out of mind and out sight, it's right there, all around me and the water is coming in. My back's against the wall and I'm on the edge. It's time to sink or swim. I'll see you out there. Let's win this one, not for each other, but for ourselves. Not so easily said or done, but a snap to write down. I can resist you.
So, just laugh at my stupid jokes and smile when you know I'm about to mess up, because I'd rather go wrong then be warned and when it seems like I'm getting down and you want to help so badly, then take me to your favorite spot and sing to me your favorite song and hope I know the words so I can sing along and I swear, that is when I'll know that no matter what, it's all worth it.
