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9:15 p.m. - 2004-09-30
A tale of my life and how it's breaking me apart
Everything seems so much more real then it should recently. I am not a recently discovered cancer patient and my near death experiences have been limited, but everything seems so intense, to say the least. Every conversation has a hidden layer and every move has a purpose. Left foot, right foot, repeat, turn corner, left foot, right foot. Nothing is done without a motive and I'm keeping mine secret.
I'm so far away. I am the unreachable, untouchable even. I smile and laugh and we're friends, until you want us to be so. I can't take it right now. I'm too far away. I feel bad that I yelled at you and made you sad and I certainly feel bad about how I make you feel, but, I guess I'm in this alone. I'm sick of being pushed back under whatever rock I've recently cured myself of. I feel trapped. When it comes down to it, I have no regrets. I tried until I wore myself out and now walking is a chore. I gave it my all. Now, I just feel really abandoned and alone. Don't fret. This emotion has been building up over time and I'm almost used to it. Almost
I've taken on this attitude that is streaked with an extreme sense of existance and yet this feeling comes lacking purpose. It feels more like there is an abundance of needed effort and yet, I have none to feed it.
I need to swing away from here. Past these petty problems that rise and fall with my chest as I breath in the sweet autumn air. I'm letting everything be and forfeiting control of all situations- or at least most- to anyone else who picks them up. I hate how crushed I feel and I hate this lack of belonging and need for nearly nothing. I still try, but I don't really understand why anymore and soon my need for conversation will be gone.
I know who you are. I see you in the halls and I know what you're really like. Everything I will ever need to know about you,you tell me in conversation. I'll listen this time and you can tell me what is inside that mysterious heart of yours, looked up in that rib cage, like a diary in a dresser drawer. I could be your diary. I could listen to everything that makes you sad.
There is war to be held now and peace makes everyone suspicous, anyways. Blame everyone, trust no one. A killer is on the loose and we are the only living targets. I don't know how we escaped the misery before, but I think it has something to do with being so caught up in our own misery that we missed out on everyone else's, well, now I'm here and I can't seem to make myself care enough to be affected. Blame me and I'll be hanged. Let me be your iodine, a little needed each day, but too much is harmful. Let me be your prediction of history repeating itself in the future. Let me show you what it's like to walk under trees that can't resist shedding their brightly colored leaves. Let me show you what it's like to breath- because we have no other choice.

I'm so far away from here and so far away from you. I am the balloon you let go at your birthday party and forgot to make a wish on. I didn't leave because I wanted to, my mind is just too far away to stay behind and your grip was far too cocky. You thought you didn't have to hold on tight, but you were mistaken. You never have to worry about letting me down now, because when I pop, it's because of the atmosphere, which is something that's too far out of your reach. I'm feeling near that popping point. My head hurts and it's so intense. Do you ever wonder what happens to the balloon pieces once they pop? I've never seen them on the ground. I guess I'll have to find out the hard way- just like everything else. Pressure is rising, can you even still see me? I'm so far up. Heights used to scare me, now I'm pretty mellow about it all. Oh no, here comes rain. That lightening looks pretty intense. Well, at least I'll go out with a bang and a spark. Are you still watching? I'm sorry the rain ruined your party. Your dress is all wet now. Are you still outside? Are you going to watch me explode? It could be entertaining. Ready? Here goes.........


TO BE CONTINUED

as life sees fit for me to do so


Don't expect anything from me and I'll never disappoint you.

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