3:34 p.m. - 2004-09-27
\"Out of a grave I come to tell you this\"
For those of you who are afraid of the dark, stand up and tell me that you are fine, because you know for me the light is a multitude of millions times more frightening.
For those of you with souls of glass that are fragile and break under scrutiny, stand up and tell me that you are fine, because you don't trust me enough to tell the truth.
For those of you who lie because it is second nature and cry because you haven't in a while and don't want to forget how, stand up and tell me you are fine because you know that although perhaps you aren't now, you will be eventually.
For those of you who write poetry in math class on the back of yesterday's notes because numbers are too real and too explainable and you can't deal with it, stand up and tell me you are fine because you need to take every chance to dream that you can because someday you are going to be famous.
For those of you who swear that you're doing it because you want to and not because anyone else does, stand up and tell me you are fine because you're making your own dreams come true.
For those of you who fall down and keep it a secret because you don't think anyone else cares anyways, stand up and tell me you are fine because your bruises amuse you when the sun shines bright enough to see them.
For those of you who think you're fine and know you're fine and really belive you are fine, stand up and tell me you are fine, because you're so good at lying that you even convince yourself. You are the liars of the world, the ones who smile because they don't trust anyone enough to cry. You are the stereotyped stereotypical and no matter what you say and how you excuse it, you are the liars of the your generation.
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I hate walking through the halls of school, doorbells ringing, people screaming, attempts to tune each other out, and bits of coversations flying around. It makes me angry at everyone, for no good reason whatsoever. I just hate thinking that while we're all here and walking and doing what we are supposed to do, we're all complaining and hating and loving and yelling and being, but maybe we're not really. I hate how so many people put on acts and pretend to be stuff, except I shouldn't say that because I don't know them well enough to know they aren't truely like that, but I'm sad for our generation if they are. I'm sick of expectations to fit stereotypical lifestlyes and the oh-so-superior upperclassmen who think that because they're older, they actually know a shit about me, my life, or what anyone else is going through. I'm all for their special privledges because they are older and have been there longer, but when they start thinking they are better people and know more about life, I wish I could scream, because they don't know me and they don't know a thing about me. It's not christmas, the chimes aren't going to make us happy, the fire alarms aren't going to make school seem any less shorter and the more you complain, the worse it will seem. I am excluding myself from listening to my own advice briefly because I don't care and no one else does either. Hear it now, Danielle is a hypocrite and claims her title proudly. You can't escape hypocrisy and if you think you can, then you've been living under a rock. These stupid, high school dramas will never make the big times unless you're playing hit sitcoms in your mind at night, while you try to sleep and the next time someone tells me these are the best days of my life, I hope I think of something really witty and sarcastic to say.
I'm sick of people who think they should label themselves because if they don't then they don't belong. There's nothing I can do about it, but I don't label myself and I'm still fine, well, maybe not, but nothing terrible has happened to me as a result of it and if I don't feel like I belong, it has nothing to do with labels and everything to do with my confused state of mind that can't be helped because you helping me scares the shit out of me. Labels are insults to yourself and you are making yourself vulnerable. I'm sick of only smelling hairspray and perfume and cologne that could bathe ten people and I'm sick of people thinking if you don't need a chisel to get your makeup off, then you're not wearing enough. Someday, I'm going to school in pajamas and no makeup and my hair will certainly not be brushed and I really hope I have some natural scent of goodness, like..the sent of fall or wind or something not artificial.
Next issue at hand is music. Okay, so, the next person who tells me they don't like "emo" music and are a "hardcore rocker", well, damn, I hope they're ready for a well deserved verbal beating because today I'm feeling powerful and I could certainly do some mental damage. Give different music a try. If you don't like something, then don't like it, but don't limit yourself to certain genres because the people who categorize them, don't know a thing about music and what it's about when you listen to it. I don't disect music. I like something if I like it and that's that. I hear the music and the lyrics and if they don't mesh well, then sorry, but I won't make exceptions unless I want to.
I guess I'm just really wishing people could just....be smarter and keep promises and tell the truth and not sugarcoat anything and if they're going to fight, it should be a full out debate where whoever wins, wins, and if people have something to fight about, it's not who called who [insert stupid insult] or what kind of music someone listens to, or who is a better cheerleader- the cheerleader or the football player. Oh man, that's a TOUGH ONE! Jeez, I hate how people pretend to be more stupid then they are and I don't understand the appeal of being ditzy. If you have the brains, then use them to your advantage. The most powerful people in the world are those with brains who know how to use them. I can completely understand wanting to be a nice person and well-liked. I get that. I really do. I'm not putting it down. It's nice to have a lot of people to recognize and such and have "inside jokes" with, but if you have the brains, then use them. If you're really smart, then you'll know how to use your brains to do good and be nice about it.
Just, forget pretending you're something you're not. It's not worth it and people mock you for it. Really. I'm not kidding. People spend their free time laughing about how ditzy you are. People spend their free time writing journal entries about you. Oh, look, I am your perfect example. So, please, for both of our sakes, drop the "I just bleached my hair and got an artificial tan even though I just had a hard day of sitting on my boyfriend's surf board, despite that we live in New England, please help me because I think I chipped a nail trying to rub off my five pounds of eye makeup". Please. I'm sick of it. You can also drop stupid insults and petty dramas because those are ridiculous and time consuming and irritate me.
I'm fine for now because you can't help me with this right now. I'm just, testing my limits and seeing my new boundaries because I'm suddenly feeling really free. I'm suddenly not seeing a reason to care that much, because you irritate me with your petty problems and I don't know what to say. I'm not gone, but I'm certainly out of your reach and i don't plan on trying to stop it. I liek being unstoppable and testing my limits. Some things are going to change this year and I am going to let them and you can stick around to see teh results or get off a stop or two early. My train is headed for Wonderland, because I would really like to ask that little white rabbit some questions.
We're living in a changing world, and all my broken sentences means nothing more then an hour of awkward silences and the always offered hug. Your repression is our game and I hope you never give in to importunities.
