2:04 a.m. - 2004-09-19
Welcome to paradise
Sometimes I wish people would just be themselves and stop caring so much about what everyone else does. It�s so irritating because there�s always the chance that you don�t understand why they are doing it. I won�t recite for you quotes about walking a mile in another�s shoes or reading the book and not judging the cover. It would be pointless to do so because I don�t know your reasons and I honestly probably don�t care.
I�m full to the rim with complaints tonight and my attitude is sure to blow you away. I just feel like being a cynical bitch and criticizing everything you do. I don�t mean anything personal by it, I�m just sick of stereotypes and cliques and conformist lifestyles. Is this giving up? Because even though I said I gave up it doesn�t feel like it was my choice to begin with. I�m stuck in this confused state of existence. I know I�m here, but it doesn�t feel like it. It feels like my prescribed dose of a routine anarchy is growing old. If this wasn�t your life now, then how would you live?
If everyone wants to belong and everyone wants to criticize those who belong, how do we get anywhere? I want to be different. I don�t want either. I don�t want to belong because right now I can�t think of a reason to join anything and I don�t want to criticize anyone because it�s a waste of my time, even if I�m doing it now. I don�t expect anyone to change and I know my time will be stupidly wasted on trying to make a difference.
I�m sick of the things that control friends and personalities and lives in general. If you�re making your friends based on sports, music, and drugs, then I am talking about you. Who cares when it comes down to it? When your life is going to hell and there�s no where to turn, won�t you be happy that you�re best friends with the captain of the hockey team? I�m not saying not to befriend these people, but do it for the right reasons. What ever happened to judging by personality? I say if you can keep a conversation going then you�ve passed the first stage of friendship and that should mean something.
This isn�t going where I wanted it to and I�m starting to feel stupid and angry with myself. Does anyone ever feel like they don�t belong where they are? I know that people feel like they don�t belong all the time, but that usually refers to a group or something more sensical then what I�m feeling. I feel like I don�t belong here. I don�t belong in this moment in time or in this system of living. I don�t belong to your rules of normality or the universe of catchy song lyrics that rules the rhythms to which your body slinks back and forth. You are easy going and when people make waves, they don�t affect you. I don�t even belong near you. That�s the beauty of friendship; you don�t have to be anything alike for it to work out.
I�m sick of complaining and people thinking that I can take it. I can�t If you�ve noticed my mood lately, then you know what I mean. I�m not fragile and I try not to be mean, but good grief, cut me some slack. My new method for survival is avoidance because I am at the end of whatever rope you chased me down and it�s the only thing I can think of. I need to talk to someone who can actually talk and think and who can just enlighten me because that would be amazing and maybe I wouldn�t feel like doing a lot of stupid stuff. Right now, I actually really want to go on a walk, but it�s 1:35 in the morning and that wouldn�t go over so well.
The cold air outside is so�forever. That�s not even what I wanted to say, but it will have to do. I can�t write anymore. Everything sounds so stupid. I used to like my letters I wrote. They used to feel worthwhile, but I guess I can�t enlighten anyone else, when I clearly am only good at messing up. Anyways, the air outside is amazing. You can tell something is coming because it�s so strong and when you walk outside in the middle of the street at such an early time in the morning, you don�t have to care about a thing. I love the autumn and maybe that�s why, maybe I need changes and maybe this ever expected logical sense of changing makes me sick. If change was logical and expected it wouldn�t be much of a change, now would it?
You can argue with me for days and I won�t let you win unless it�s just not worth my time and effort. My mind is elsewhere and at times I hear voices or one of my ears will stop hearing and just the other days I was seeing things. I�m not crazy. I�m not steeping into an ever-declining mood of the many shades of black. I�m just confused and here and in need of a good conversation.
I wish I still had a talent for something besides breathing. Inhale vs. exhale; who will win? Who cares? In and out. In and out.
Sometimes, when people ask me why I am sad, it seems like such a stupid question and I want to explain to them how stupid it is, but instead I decide to save the energy and tell them that I�m fine and tired. It�s the truth, just not always all of it. I�m always tired. No one needs to hear about the things I can�t handle. I feel bad for anyone who even thinks that would be interesting. I am not a person of intrigue or anything similar. I love music. I love people. I love animals. I love helping and I absolutely love getting lost in a crowd and feeling so unimportant and knowing that at any point, I could move the wrong way and be trampled. Take me to a concert?
I�m such a girl at concerts, not that I�m not always a girl, but I make such a big deal out of them. Most people assume it�s because it�s the band, and that�s of course part of it, but there�s so much more. If I�m at a concert/show, it�s because I really love the band or really am in need of a good show or something, but when I�m there, I know that that moment that I�m jumping up and down and screaming the lyrics along in an out of tune manner and my heart is beating along to the drums, that moment will never be there again. I�m part of something so much bigger then anything I could imagine. A music conspiracy that includes all of us, against all of you.
I wish I could drive and had my license, a car, a place to go, and enough, money to get me there. Wonder how I could just take off without any goodbyes and by just picking up and leaving? It�s easy. I know you�d try to talk me out of it or want to come along and for the sake of my sanity, I need to be lost somewhere alone that is not inside my mind.
I keep having these dreams. They�re the same ones over and over again and I don�t know what to make of them. I won�t tell you what happens in them because a lot of the stuff I have dreamt before has come true. I don�t find it that exciting because I rarely ever dream and so it�s not a big deal or usual occurrence, but in any case, I�m not going to tell you what I dreamt in the slight chance that it may happen. I just�I don�t know what to make of them.
I think I�ll sleep now�.or try to at least, because then I can lay in bed and listen to some really amazing band and hope that the really amazing wind will blow through my window and make me feel better.
Tea Bag Fortune: Wind is air in a hurry
