11:14 p.m. - 2004-07-23
How can I fall lower?
For most of you life is a constant and more then anything else, I envy that one fact. I don't envy your rollercoster-emotional-upside-down-routines. That I do not, but I do envy your constant sense of life. I look you in the eyes and I find it hard to believe that you could ever wake up and forget why or not see the point in it. You always have a reason for everything. You're either living because it's expected of you or because you want to or because you are trying to spite all the people who said you couldn't do it. You always have a reason for everything. Well, I don't. Not now, anyways. I just don't know what to do. I don't think anything has really changed, I just...I think I just need to remember the point and I can't. It seems that everything is just dragging me farther and farther down and I feel so alone. I know that some people are there and care, but I don't know how to accept their help. I think I'm on my own on this one and that hurts because I feel like crying and now I am and I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to ask for help and ask the sun to stop shining so bright. I don't know how to make it thunderstorm and I don't know how to remember something that should be so hard to forget- a purpose for living. Maybe I never had one, but then how did I make it this far. I guess that just everything in the world right now is making me feel so very very terrible about myself that I feel so small and unwanted and lonely. I'm not a jealous person. I am usually pretty happy with my life and I deal with what I need to, but this is the one thing that I am jealous about. I am envious of your passion to live and to be content. I wish I was content. You're wishing for happiness, but for most of you, the closest you'll get to happiness is a sustained sense of being content. I'm jealous of that and I hate myself even more for that. I'm sorry this has all been rambled, but your too late and too old and too young and too careless. You're too much of everything and I'm so much of nothing. I am nothing. Erase me and be happy and when you look to the shadows to see if I am still there, ignore my tears and continue walking. If you lose your path, then dodge the rain drops and follow the North Star into the sunrise. You are free of me.
